A Little Sugar

It has been a while since we had sex - like a whole week.  The combo of exhaustion and the pregnancy shocker did it.  For us, that is a long time. We usually have sex daily or almost daily, and if not that, then as least some kind of fooling around.  As sometimes happens with me, if we have any kind of break, it becomes hard for me to get into that initial re-start of sex. We call is getting Over the Hump. 

Last night we had Over the Hump sex. It was eh.  In the middle of Over the Hump sex, I do have a little bit of a hard time becoming aroused, and it bothers me.  No matter what HoH does, I just cannot get my head in the game that first time.  And as always, I am always a little fearful that we won't somehow get back to the good stuff.  It is just an unrealistic fear, but...

This morning, after a little sugar that involved "as rough as one is comfortable while remembering that one partner is pregnant," I would say that the fear is gone and we are definitely over and past the hump.

There Is No Safe Zone

Thanks to all of you who have commented and emailed me.  I appreciate all of your advice and concern.  You are all so kind and wise, and I truly have felt less alone by your reaching out.

I am getting ready to turn 45 in a couple of months.  By age 43, one's chance of becoming pregnant is under 2%.  Well, I must be a fertile myrtle.  I am -6 days past due for my period, and when I took a pregnancy test the other day at work, that little blue plus sign appeared almost immediately. I am likely 4 weeks and 6 days pregnant.

No one in my "real" world knows. With a miscarriage rate of 53% for my age group, and how early it is at the moment, I will not be disclosing to anyone until this is viable. Still, it is a huge relief to be able to tell someone other than my husband. You, dear readers, are the only ones who know.

This may help explain some of my overwhelmed feelings.  I am sure hormonal stuff is already occurring.  Couple that with my financial stress, a death in the family, and generally feeling a bit overwhelmed, and the perfect storm has been created.

I am also super shocked - I didn't think I could get pregnant. I have been showing a few signs of beginning the change, and so I really thought I was in the safe zone.  Two years ago, I would have been jumping up and down about this. Right now, I feel indifferent. Maybe because the last pregnancy I had at 41 ended in miscarriage and it was traumatic for me...or maybe because I don't feel financially secure right now...maybe because HoH and I have been through a lot since January, and I am just starting to feel secure in that "part" being over...or some combination of them all.

I don't know what this will mean for DD.  I have been reading up, and it looks like spankings are not recommended when pregnant. I don't know where this leaves me.  Other punishments don't seem to be as meaningful, and quite frankly, a good stress spanking right now would be invaluable. 

HoH has (suddenly) got it, and has really been there for me.  Tender, which is what I need. I don't know that I am reinforcing this tenderness because I am a big ball of stress (and I am eating non-stop to not be nauseated) but I love and appreciate all the ways he is trying to lessen my stress, and respond to my cray-cray-ness.  I haven't told him this in so many words, but I plan to today. To let him know how much his tenderness and attention means to me, and really does help me.

Stress-funk

I haven't blogged in a while. I have been in a stress-funk that I cannot seem to climb out of.  I feel paralyzed by it, and completely unmotivated.  Most of the stress is financial...some of it about the future...some of it about my health...and some of it has to do with daily life overwhelming me.  Sometimes I feel as if I have fallen into a deep hole, and there is no climbing out.  Sometimes I just feel like I am in a soft, warm bed, and there is no reason to ever move or get up. 

During this time of stress-funk, HoH has not done what I needed to help support me. Given that I don't really know exactly what will make me feel supported does not change that his ways to try to cope with my stress-funk have actually made it worse.  When I need to be reassured and held, he gives space.  When I need space, he makes demands.  When I need some time to take my mind off of it, he seems not to notice.  When I am upset, he doesn't comfort in the traditional sense of the word.  When I express I don't feel supported, he gets defensive because he says he is trying and everything he tries is "wrong."  There may be no right way, but everything seems to make my hole deeper...my bed more comfortable...which really means that it makes me want to disconnect from the world even more.

I am not one who is prone to things like instability, depression, neediness, or the like. I feel like I am trying to stay above water in certain areas, and although not failing, at least struggling.  This struggle seems like fear trying to gulp me up.

I don't mean to sound dramatic, and I am certainly not so low that I need intervention.  I am just in this spot that I am unfamiliar with and not quite certain how to kick its ass.

Maintenance Spanking

You may not know, but I have been coughing for about 2 months now, and have been experiencing extreme exhaustion for a few months. I have had in-depth blood work done and other tests for the exhaustion, but the coughing is fairly new. Today I had to use the inhaler a few times to be able to catch all of my breath.  (Not to worry! Doctor appointment on Tuesday for the cough!)

This did not stop HoH from directing me to stand up, pull my pants down, and lean over the bed.  I protested the whole time. "What are you doing?  I don't feel well!"  He calmly explained that I was getting a maintenance spanking, and to do what he says.

Hand on the bare bottom. Ouch!

He didn't do a lot of them, but they were all in the same spot on the same cheek. Outside the bedroom door, the dogs were going ballistic, trying to get in the room (at the sound of the smacks). They ended up turning on each other so the maintenance stopped a little early.

Well, friends...it instantly made me aroused. Out of nowhere, I wanted HoH's manhood in my hand, or my mouth, or inside of me.  I wanted the crop out, and I wanted to feel its sting on my nipples. I started having great fantasies that involved me looking hot (not with my hair sticking out and pale like I look at this scary moment!). Yes, that is all it took, a maintenance spank - to put me in the mood, and in submissive mode.

Easy Street

If only it were so  easy...five lessons, and suddenly it would all fall into place. The lack of resistance. The enthusiastic fulfillment of his needs. The "Yes, dear" rolling off the tongue, coupled with "Can I grab you a beer? Scotch on  the rocks? A little cock-sucking?"  If only five little lessons could do that.

I wonder what the five lessons are.  Any ideas?

Spanked on Facebook

Yes, I am now on Facebook.

Why?  I want to socialize with others in this lifestyle.  FetLife is NOT for me.  Experience Project - wow. If I get one more unsolicited penis picture sent to me, I might commit acts of violence.  I love my Thursday and Sunday chat rooms that I found (*waves to all my new friends*) but I cannot always join. It really depends on what is happening with the family life, homework, and other mommy and work duties.  I love-love-love this online blog community (*waves to all my new blogging friends*) and it makes my day when someone comments here, so I thought maybe I would expand a little bit and try FB, too.

If you are brave under your real name or if you have a pseudo-identity on FB, please FRIEND me by clicking:  Perfectly Punished (TheWife) Facebook Page

Paddling in the Tears

Today was a tiny breakthrough.  For the first time ever, I cried during a spanking.

The day started off great, but at one point, we disagreed about something involving one of our children, and the ensuing debate (he called it an argument) got a little heated. He left the room in a huff after raising his voice at me.

Once he calmed down, we descended to the basement to the Spank Room.  The paddle came out. The lecture consisted of him retelling how it came that he yelled, his apology for raising his voice, his view that I was not listening but rather over-talking him, and that since this was not going to be a part of our relationship, a spanking must happen.

The pants went down.

The underwear went down.

My belly went down so that I was leaning over a storage bench.

Once in position, the warm up started. The warm up HURT. Once the real spanking started, it was a little unbearable. I started sobbing. Begging. Turning.  Crying some more. Begging some more. Turning some more.  When it was all said and done, I got a few extras for not staying still.

When I got up, and he brought me to his arms, I continued crying. I couldn't stop. A "release" (for lack of a better word) occurred, and the tears flowed. First time ever during a spanking.

It was cleansing.

The ON in Connection

Sex alone can be a good connector when a couple is feeling disconnected.  Spanking can also be a good connector when a couple is feeling disconnected.  But the Spank-Sex combo...well, that, my dear friends, is the *real* connector!

Coming off the two-spank day, and adding a little hot sex into the mix, really does the job. It makes me want to perform acts of submission. It makes me want to go new places with it, even though I am hesitant to try something new in the submission department.

And it makes me have an insatiable sexual appetite. I just want it, or really, want my own pleasure-play where he is involved in making it happen.  For that slice of time, I cannot get enough, and it cannot be dirty enough, and it cannot be rough enough..I just want hot, dirty, rough, submissive sex.

There. I wrote it. Back in my turtle shell.

Double Trouble or The Hand and The Belt

Yes, it has happened - spanked twice in one day.

This afternoon, when the family arrived home, I was just plain off.  I couldn't stop repetitive thoughts about past marital and life failures, and I was bubbling with anger and sadness.  I started right away on HoH, chastising him and being critical.  I couldn't shake it. I wanted him to feel the same pain I was feeling. I pushed and pushed until he made the decision.  In the room. Door shut. TV turned up loud. Pants down. Undies on. The Hand. I have no idea how many I got, but I do know that it hurt after only something like 4 or 5 of them. I would guess I got around 20 solid, hard spanks.

It helped, a little.

Fast forward a few hours, after spending time at the park with our friends and one large gin drink later. Mouthy. Yes, that is probably the right word. HoH and I were just not connected.  After arguing about dinner, and who would make it, and various other thing, I thought he was getting up to make dinner. Instead he shut the door, took off his belt, and again, it was punishment time.  Over the underwear. Belt. 15 solid hits. OUCH! My bottom is bright red. It stings really badly.

This was the break through spank. I am feeling much better. I feel like some of that darkness was let go.  The sting is reminding me that I am cared for. That it matters when we aren't connected.  That I should and can be the better person that I want to be. That it is time to get back into submissive mode, where things are easier.

Spankarequest

I want to make a spankarequest.  You know, when one says somehow - I am officially requesting a spanking, and one like you mean it, and one you will follow through with, and one that lets me know that you will be back in the game full time, and one that lets me know more are to follow with one little step out of line.

You know, THAT kind of spankarequest.

The kind that equals red stingy bottom. The kind that equals an almost reach back.  The kind that equals "You know you are in charge" and "I know I am not." That kind that I don't have to dictate but that you automatically get how much, how hard, and how best to deliver it.

That kind of spankarequest.

The Better-Late-Than-Never Spanking

The hard thing about DD for us is that we are coming off a rocky time in our marriage, and things like TRUST and LEADERSHIP are hard for me to always grant to my HoH.  Recently he made a few bad decisions, and quite frankly, I felt that I should be the HoH.  How can he be the one I am supposed to trust, give my control to, and show respect/honor to?  In light of these poor decisions HoH made, I felt that DD needed to be suspended.  I mean, really, at the end of the day, how can I be submissive to someone who would be willing to risk the trust of his family with poor decisions.  I also felt betrayed, hurt, upset, angry, sad, and hopeless.  This lasted for days.

We have debated, fought, argued...he has admitted where he was wrong, apologized, and promised to do better/improve.  I have struggled with what I want to do. It isn't always so cut and dry, this DD, especially when one has had a 22 year marriage, the last few years of which have been (understatement) complicated.

Today, I decided that I would try to move past this latest hiccup.  He has been dying to spank me for reconnection reasons.  He got to do that today. On the bed. Over clothes, then over underwear, then bare butt. By hand. I won't lie - I have missed it. The sweet sting was a welcome feeling, helping me to move forward.

We are back.

An Alternative Due to Bruising

The spanking from Friday left my bottom bruised.  Three spots - two on my cheeks (just bluish/purple and half dollar sized) and one where my leg and bottom meet (big, ugly and red/purple). It seems incredible that I would be bruised. Don't get me wrong - the spanking hurt like hell. However, it didn't seem to be anything intolerable, and so the bruising was a complete shocker for both of us.

I need to go to the OBGYN but I am going to have to delay that visit.

So, last night when we were supposed to be cooking together (him cooking, me calling out ingredients and directions), I was a little short. He sent me away so he could cook dinner alone.  I came back some time later to check on things, and was told I had to write 50 sentences that say "My mouth is for eating and sucking cock, not being disrespectful."

Wow. Okay.

I actually did it, and it took a while (that is a long sentence to write!) but I believe a few things are in the works. One, that damn chat he went to.  Surely he got this idea from them!  Two, the bruising. I bet he is hesitant to spank when I am already bruised and needing to go to the OBGYN. Regardless, I do think a spanking would have been more effective.

Spanked!

Wow.  How many days has it been? How mouthy have I been? How many more ways could I unconsciously ASK him to re-take control? It happened. It was deserved, for sure. As always, it hurt like hell!

After a full day yesterday of mouthing off, and waiting in the room for my spanking, my HoH had moved on to another project - fixing the bed downstairs.  It was almost time to pick the kids up from school, and each was having a friend to spend the night.  I knew the formula:  friends over = no spanking. After a couple of reminders, I was furious. With something like 5 minutes before we were to leave, I screamed down the stairs a culmination of all of my frustration: "Fine! If you aren't going to do DD then you aren't getting any f'ing kink in the bedroom!"

[Stomps loudly to the bedroom.]

Up the stairs he came, clear whack paddle in hand, and he grabbed my legs, twisted me to the side so that my bottom was in a position to be smacked, and then he gave a stern and angry lecture.  He then allowed me to change positions to bending over the bed, and the whacking started.  After something like 15 or so whacks that hurt, he announced that the warm up swats were over, and the real spanking would start.

WHAT?!?!

After ten, I did the unthinkable - I reached back.  He told me to put my hands back down, and that I just got 3 more added to the end. I put my hands down, took a deep breath, and repeated over and over in my head "Relax and accept. Relax and accept. Relax and accept."  Pretty soon, he was at 25, and then I got the last three "extra" swats.

Um, OUCH!

We hugged a long time afterwards, and I felt so much better to be over this hateful mouthy hump...to have received the spanking...to have him take the control back.  Then he disclosed that he learned in the DD Chat that he was spanking too hard, and that is why he could only do 10 or so swats, and why it didn't hurt for very long afterwards.  He learned that the whacks should be a bit lighter, and to go for more.  They were right. My bottom was sore ALL NIGHT!

It feels good to feel loved. Cared for. Worth the effort. Back to being a better person. I hated my spanking, but I loved my spanking. I hope he will be swift in the future. Clearly I need it.

Phat Chat

I stumbled upon two chat opportunities for HoHs...one is on Sunday nights and one is on Thursday nights. Last night, HoH had the opportunity to join in on a chat with other HoHs, compare notes, ask questions, etc.  For this particular chat, wives/partners were not allowed!  Mainly it was comprised of those who practice either Domestic Discipline or Taken in Hand.  My HoH said that there are some harsh punishers in the group. Yikes!

On to other news, HoH and I have been fighting all day as we work on our daughter's room. Almost got a spanking (in position and everything) but I think he didn't do it because he was angry.  I believe I will be getting something a little later.  If so, I will post about it. *sigh* I don't know if a spanking right now is a good or a bad thing, considering I am having submission issues.  Maybe it will fix things. Maybe it will make me resentful.  At this point, it could go either way.

If you have some helpful advice, please share in the comments. I need help!

Outta the Groove

It only took being away for the weekend for all the wonderful submissive progress I have made to sort of disappear.  I have been sick - exhausted, sore throat, nauseated - and my mouth has been full of accusations, anger, snide remarks, and not an ounce of submissiveness.

HoH has been confused about what to do.  He doesn't want to spank me while I am sick. On the other hand, I feel like he is more interested in trying to "get off" than do what I think a good HoH should do: Take care of and baby me when I am sick.

This disconnect, and the failure of the my expectation being met, has turned me into a class A bitch.  I am pretty sure my bottom needs to look like this.

Practicing Submission

Submission is not my normal state. I am a leader, and one who enjoys organizing, accomplishing, planning, and producing. I do that in the work place, in my religious life, and in my volunteer work. A lot of people rely on me, and I enjoy the benefit of self-satisfaction when I accomplish my goals. Traditionally, at home, I also had a strong voice, and exercised control over that area of my life. Therefore, submissiveness has been a challenge for me.

I do find submission in the bedroom to be much easier than out of the bedroom. In the bedroom, there is something electrifying about having to do what one is told, or be touched at will, or not being the director of the scene. I have been trying to stretch myself in that area, doing things I don't really want to do but doing so anyway because my HoH would find it pleasing.  Even typing that makes me on some level cringe, and on some level be proud at my growth in this area. Some of the things I have done to try to tap into my submissiveness in the bedroom:

Had sex in the closet with the door shut and while the light in there was off when I was trying to get ready. Usually, I would say "Not now!" but I just turned to face the shoe rack and hold on, took my panties down, and let him enter me.

He asked me to retrieve a paper he asked me to throw away (I delegated it to my daughter), he discreetly shut the door and told me to carry it in my mouth, and crawl it to the trash can. I complied.

Without him asking, I shaved my entire nether region even though I HATE HATE HATE it like that. I did it to show him that I can and will submit to his will even though he didn't specifically ask.

I told him he had my permission to do what he wanted with or to me when I was sleeping last night. This is a big step for me, to give consensual non-consent. Again, I did this to show him that his pleasure is important, that my body is his to do with what he want, and that I trust him with my body.  He touched me while I slept, came all over my bottom, then rubbed it in to my bottom and back.

I have asked a few times, is there anything I can do for you? Is there anything you want me to do? Do you want a back rub? Can I get you anything?  This is NOT my normal default mode!

I have taken the initiative to look around for kink hotels that we could stay at if we ever get any extra money, and then I showed him the various rooms and what they look like.

I started a Pinterest page with things that I think would interest him, like Rope Work photographs, spanked photographs, lingerie photographs, erotic furniture/implements photographs, etc. Soon, when it is more populated, I will share the site with all of you in case you are interested in following it.

 

Inspection Perfection

Today, I was subjected to a body inspection after my shower.

I had to kneel on an ottoman with my stomach on the bed, with my ass presented to him.  He said that this is position 1.  He checked my anal hole thoroughly, then my vagina.  He felt it for smoothness, smelled it for cleanliness, and tasted it for freshness. He spent some time licking my clit.  He felt around inside of it, too.

He then had me roll over on the bed with my legs apart but still on the ottoman.  This he said is position 2.  He proceeded to checked my toes (smack on the bottom twice for a broken toenail), my feet, legs, face, mouth, ears (smack on the bottom for them needing cleaning), and breasts.  Then he checked more thoroughly my vagina.  He looked at the outside, how close my shave was, whether or not I had razor burn, etc.  Then he starting licking my clit, fingering my backside hole, and bringing me to orgasm.

Then he stood up and shoved his big cock inside of me. He gave instructions about the next inspection as he pounded into me.  If he announces that there will be an inspection after a shower, then I am to go directly after it into the bedroom and assume position 1 until he arrives for the inspection, regardless of how long it takes him to get there.

Because we have been having sex three to four times a day for the last month or so, I am quite sore.  Today, my vagina feels raw and swollen so his thrusting hurt in that good kind of way.  Once he noticed that, he made me beg for him to hurt me.  He grabbed my hair, smacked my face, and deeply thrusted into me while expecting me to not resist and requiring me to beg him for it.

It was HOT!

Afterwards, I was so dizzy, I had to lie on the bed for 20 minutes to get back to normal.

The Fantasy of It

The fantasy of it - pulling my panties down in shame, bending over, getting my bottom smacked over and over and over again...the bright red glorious sting...

I look at spanking photographs, and I fantasize this scenario quite regularly.  It makes me crave a spanking, it makes me tingle in the nether-area, it makes me want to be touched.

And then...when the reality of the situation occurs...it is NOTHING like the fantasy.  It is painful. Real pain. In that moment, I want it to end, for it to be more like bedroom play spankings. Afterwards...back to the fantasy as I deal with the bright red glorious sting...

This is pretty much how the last two days have gone.  Yesterday, due to messes I left around the bedroom, and yet another episode of me (for some reason) not being able to get passed something in the past, I came home from work and was told that I was in for a spanking.  All the way until the actual event, I was slightly heady from the fantasy of it.

The reality of it?  Two whacks into being spanked with a wooden bathroom back scrubber, the thing broke in two!  The punishment of 15 licks continued with the thin wooden handle of the broken implement.  OUCH!  Not fun, and I had a little trouble staying in position.  After the discipline spanking, he continued with his hand for an additional 7 or 8 for stress relief.  My poor bottom!

Today, after leaving the same items out (I failed to clean up the mess that resulted in yesterday's spanking), I was told I was getting another spanking.  I actually thought, Lucky me! Woo hoo! Bring it! How soon I forget, and how I underestimated how badly it would hurt since I was just spanked yesterday.

Personally, I think the warm up should have counted as spankings.  My bottom was so sore after the warm up, that after the first whack with the clear paddle, I jumped out of position, begging for my poor bottom.  Because of that, he didn't count that whack.  Staying in position was nearly impossible.  I don't want to be restrained for spankings, but I cannot see how I can stay in position otherwise. I must be a major wimp.  Regardless, somehow I made it through the only 8 whacks, unrestrained and barely able to cope.

You would think that all of this would cure my fantasy...not really! I can't wait for all the love and pain that comes with my man keeping things in line. 

PlayTime

I came home a bit early from work yesterday. There was 1/2 hour before we had to leave to pick up the kids from school.  HoH told me to take off my clothes except my underwear, and lie on the bed. I did.  The cuffs came out, and my arms were restrained.  The gag ball was placed around my head.  He slid my panties to the side, and slowly inserted a glass dildo into me, and pulled out the riding crop.  He proceeded to smack my nipples, with occasional relief by focusing on my clit area and the sides of my thighs/bottom.

After doing that until my nipples stung, he removed the dildo and shoved his manhood deep inside of me.  Quickly (we didn't have much time) he finished off on my stomach, and rubbed his cum all into my underwear and stomach.  He unhooked my wrists, and ordered me to get dressed in my cum-soaked underwear.  We left to get the kids from school.

Fast forward to the evening...

More fun was in store. Lots of orgasms for the both of us...excellent nipple play...multiple flips of position...dirty promises and scenarios professed...and finally, sleep.

Fast forward to this morning...

He told me to get it hard. Lick-suck-stroke. And then taken hard and fast, fingered, nipples pulled...and the promise of more tonight.

I am so sore. Lord help me!

----

This is a poem I found the other day...I imagine these are HoH's words...and maybe what will be in store for me tonight. <3

I Can’t Wait

I can’t wait

to get you
where I want
you to be:
on your back
with your hands
tied & your
legs spread
eagle,
blindfolded
so I can look
at you with
reckless
abandon
& you can’t
do a damn thing
about it

I will take
what is mine

& have my way
& fuck you
till I am
spent
& you are
left wondering
what day
of the week it is
& whether or not
the wet patch
is on your side
of the bed
or mine

Poem © Copyright 2010 Jodine Derena Butler.  All Rights Reserved

Red Rover, Red Rover...

Send DOUBT on over...

This may seem hard to believe considering how wonderful our DD experience has been going, but a couple of days ago, HoH (after a long day of us fighting) decided that we were not going to do DD anymore.  Deep down, he was harboring a lot of guilt for those times that he has not made good decisions, about ongoing character deficits, or just his struggle in general with being a flawed human being, as we all are.  He was feeling something like this:  How can I punish my wife when she is a better person than me?  How can I spank her for little things when I screw up all the time, too?

Me? I was devastated.  I had a meeting that night, and I was completely distracted and upset. For the next day, I made no effort at all. I started to feel depressed.  I tried to explain to HoH what made this what I wanted.  I told him that it was special and unique to us as a couple. Something that we are bonding over.  Something that we can already see improvements in our relationship.  That it made me feel like he cared, loved me, and it gave me structure. That it made him step up in a way I have never seen him do before, and that made me proud and turned on.

Then I promptly posted the dilema on the Experience Project boards.

One person, Epaster, stated:

This is a common dilemma for us modern HOHs. What right do I have to spank her over something minor, when I also have behavior issues? The answer is that even though I am not a perfect man, she is still a woman. She needs me to protect, guide, and correct her. As a woman, she has no need or desire to correct me. Intellectually, she may desire equality, but emotionally, she needs me to be in charge.

We have learned that it is essential for our marriage, that I enforce even the minor misbehaviors with a spanking. By doing so we avoid having to deal with more major problems that can lead to distrust and hurt feelings between us.

I loved this answer! I would modify one sentence though. For me, it isn't that I have no need or desire to correct HoH. Rather, it is that I have learned through DD that the better option and the most effective way for him to change his behavior is to put the burden of self-correction on him rather than me point it out to him constantly or in the moment.

Another person, JennaR, a well respected voice in the community, stated:

That is understandable. The policy of he apologizes and your both forgive him and move on can be difficult for people to handle at first. 

However, The owner of a company makes mistakes he apologizes to his staff everyone goes on. Family is the same as a business in this way. Sir is the Head of the Household in the same way as a boss is head of his company. 

Everything he does is for the best for that company and it's staff. Yes he is human, no he is not perfect. As long as he continues to work toward bettering himself he is doing well.

Her response was so practical and the comparison made it easy to understand that one does not have to be perfect to live this way, just always continuing to be the best person he could be.

We briefly had another discussion today about DD. I think that he understands how important it is to me, and he has decided that yes, he can find a way to get over this hump. However...I am in for a spanking due to the last two days of, er, slacking!

Over the Knee

We were supposed to be packing and preparing to go out of town. However, as happens a lot with me lately, I started to obsessively think about past problems.  Couple that with being on my period, and feeling cranky...and you have an ugly mess.  I pretty much unleashed a hurricane of anger, past hurt, current hurt, insecurities, and whatever else you can think of - I am sure it was in the mix.  None of this is without warrant, and it was triggered by something insensitive that my HoH said, but it spiraled into tears, anger, and a pain that felt unbearable.  When it was all said and done, HoH took me downstairs for a spanking. He said mainly it was for my tone and to try to lessen this huge gap between us. I laid over him and asked if he could use his hand.

Why would I do that?  Something about the intimacy of being across his lap...of being so close...of him using his hand...seemed to feel right to me.  He decided that he would be fine with that.  He offered 10 on one cheek or 15 on alternating cheeks, no warm up.  I chose alternating cheeks. He lifted my skirt, pulled my panties down, and began.  It stung.  I tried my hardest to relax and accept the punishment, but the last two caused me to rear up (but not get out of position). Then we were done. He held me a bit and then we were significantly passed where we had been. Since we were behind in getting ready, we continued packing, and were on our way.

This is one of those things, though, as I reflect, that I struggle with.   This idea or actual practice of being submissive outside of the bedroom.  Of being respectful 100% of the time, especially when he is making a mistake, or my feelings are being provoked, or when I am not feeling enamored with him.  Is it all willpower? How does one get into the groove when not feeling in the groove at that moment?  How is it possible to control one's emotions when one is experiencing them intensely?

The advice I have gotten so far has to do with actions - to do what I think will please him, and then continue to do that, taking pleasure in those times that I realize I am making him happy by doing that. I feel like I am working toward trying to follow the rules, but maybe am not being proactive in trying to do what he might find pleasurable or what might make him happy. I will certainly try to be more conscious of that.

 

A Spanking Survey

I found this survey on a new favorite blog - ddlearninginlove.blogspot.com.  Here it is with my answers!

Have you ever gotten spanked?  Yes

Are you spanked bare bottomed, over panties, or over clothes? Either over panties or bare bottomed

What is the best thing about being spanked?  It shows me that my husband cares about me, that I am worth the effort. I also appreciate the stress relief it provides, the clearing of my guilty feelings, and the reconnection afterwards that it brings.

What position do you get spanked in?    So far, it has been leaning over a dresser.

Have you ever gotten spanked in public? No

What do you get spanked with the most? What I call the Clear Whack Paddle. Ouch!

On a scale of 1-10 how much does the average spanking hurt?  Anywhere from a 7 to a 9. I have low tolerance at this point, I think.

Have you ever gotten spanked with a hairbrush? Yes

Have you ever been spanked so hard that you started to cry?  No, but I am usually on the verge of it.

Were you spanked as a child? Yes, unfortunately.

Do you think spanking is fun?  During bedroom play, yes. For discipline, not so much.

Have you ever gotten spanked for bad driving (speeding ticket, etc)?  No.

Have you ever gotten a spanking for no reason at all?   Not yet.

Have you ever gotten spanked by a teacher? Yes, when I went to a private school. Rumor had it that she was a former pitcher.

Is your butt spankable?  Clearly.

Are you currently in trouble?   Not that I am aware of!

Do you get lectured during the spanking?  Not during but certainly before. I am told what the infraction is, why it is harmful to our family or our relationship, and then what the punishment will be (how many licks!).

Have you ever seen someone else get spanked? Not as an adult.

Have you ever gotten spanked for cursing? No

Have you ever gotten spanked for lying? No

Have you ever been spanked with more than one spanking instrument in one spanking session?   Not yet.

Do you hate spankings?  I love the concept, the results, and the fantasy of it.  I hate them when I am getting them. They hurt!

How many people spank you? Just my husband.

Have you ever gotten spanked with your butt in the air?  Not yet.

Have you ever gotten spanked so hard your butt was purple?  No, but bright red is how it usually looks afterwards.

Do you think that spanking is a good punishment?  Yes, I think it is effective, and punishments should be effective.

Do you believe spanking has made your relationship better, or worse? Definitely better.

Is your butt red and sore afterwards?  Yes. Red and stings.

Have you ever gotten spanked with a sneaker? No

Have you ever been spanked twice in one day?  No

Have you ever asked to be spanked for something you did wrong?  Yes, I have asked, mainly because I wanted to feel clear of guilt and to reconnect.

Would you talk about spousal spankings to your friends/family members?   No.  I believe it is a private matter, and also I do not think people would understand.  Until recently, I would not have understood either.
 
Have you ever gotten you butt caned? No, thankfully.

Have you ever gotten spanked with a wooden spoon? No.

What do you get spanked for?  Disrespectful speech, being overly critical of HoH in front of others or the children, leaving messes around the house, to reconnect.

On average, how many times a month are you spanked? Very new to this but it seems thus far to be every few days.

Do your friends know that you get spanked?  No

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On a 1-10 scale, how hard would you get spanked for something serious, such as speeding?  My HoH ranks the number of licks. For speeding, I bet he would give a lower number of licks but at the usual intensity.

Have you ever gotten your butt belted?  Yes, and what a sting!

Have you ever gotten your butt paddled? Yes, and the paddle implement we have hurts!

After your spanking is over, how long before you repeat the same offense?  Depends. I have done great with messiness! I used to leave them every day but now I don't.  The hardest for me is using a respectful tone, mainly because I spent 20 years not paying attention to tone and/or being argumentative.

Does your spouse enjoy spanking you? I don't think he enjoys it (unless it is Bedroom Play). I think he struggles with it physically hurting me.

When is the last time you got spanked?  Two days ago.

Have you ever spanked yourself?  No.

What is the worst thing about being spanked?  The very last two licks. OUCH! It is hard for me to embrace the pain. I want to turn around or cover my bottom.

How long does the spanking last? Depends, but not long.

Do you like to be spanked?  I do. Even when it hurts. Even though it scares me. The results of bringing us closer, of giving me an outlet for removing guilt, and the way I almost crave it lets me know that I do indeed like it (even if I feel differently just before getting spanked and while getting spanked).

Would you describe yourself as a rule follower, or a rule breaker?  I would have to go with both.  I am a rule follower in so many ways but clearly I am a rule breaker as well if I am getting spanked!

Premenstrual Mouthiness

I am approximately two days out from starting my period, and my premenstrual syndrome has kicked into full gear.  Light headache, irritability, mood swings...

This morning, on the way to take our daughters to school, my patience was at zero, and I barked at my HoH several times. I was also verbally critical of him in front of my daughters (about something he was discussing with our oldest daughter).

After my doctor's appointment to which he accompanied me, we went to lunch. We briefly discussed at lunch before he dropped me at work.  I thought that was it. It wasn't.  Once home from work, he stated I still needed to get my spanking.

What?!

"Yes," he said.  In some ways, consistency sucks.

Downstairs we went.  He did the lecture part, discussing what I had done, and why it needs to be corrected. He told me I would have warm up spanks and then 8 licks.  Down went the jeans.  Down went the underwear. Bare butt!

Before the spankings, he let me know that he expects me to take this spanking without turning around, stopping him, blocking with my hands. He said I would receive extra whacks if that occurs. Then he began.

Warm up - seemed like around 20 lighter smacks in groups of 5, alternating cheeks.  Then a brief pause to tell me that NOW the licks would begin (what?! none of those counted?!).

PAINFUL. As they should be, but still.

The dogs went wild, barking at the whacks, acting crazy.  We had to shush them for a few minutes before he could hug me. That sucked. We had to walk across the room to the couch, and then his phone started ringing. And my butt hurt enough that I needed to lie on my side on the couch.

This is the first spanking that still hurts. He said afterwards that he felt he had been spanking incorrectly. It is clear to me that he had been as well. I think he has the warm up strength and the regular strength of the paddling down, and knows to smack one or two past what he believes I think I can handle.  Can I YAY and OH CRAP at the same time?!?

And then there were five

Yes, a fifth rule has been added, inspired by my new friend on Experience Project.  Go ahead! Check out the Rules tab to see. :)

Spanking and the Brain

HoH and I have been discussing how weird it is that this works - so far!  How and why? Who would have thought? I started doing a little research and found some pretty interesting things that I didn't know before.

Our brains are an amazing thing! It has built into it ways to cope with anxiety, stress and fear. It uses three main chemicals/neurotransmitters - ACTH and Endorphins/Dopamine.  The ACTH helps us hone in on and pay attention to pain, thus making us feel it more acutely.  The endorphins reduce our attention to the said pain, thus making us not feel it as intensely. The dopamine stimulates our pleasure center.

ACTH is the motivator. Let's say that we are walking down the street, and someone is lurking in the alleyway.  The first chemical released is ACTH. This is in response to the fear/danger we are experiencing.  Our awareness is heightened, and we are motivated by fight-or-flight. If we were assaulted in that process, we would feel it intensely and it would motivate us to move!

Directly after, endorphins are released.  This decreases our focus so that we are able to actual get up and run, and it decreases our pain so that if we are injured, we are able to try to get away.  Stress reduces our dopamine, but in the case of the endorphin/dopamine combo, the dopamine is restored and we become more balanced.  Endorphins and dopamine are the "happy" chemicals, the rush, the thing that helps us cope, and help us have satisfaction.

In terms of spanking, before and directly in the beginning, ACTH is released. The fear or hesitation or anticipation of pain helps it to be released.  We really feel those first whacks because of its release. We also are hyper-focused on those first whacks for the same reason.

Approximately 30 seconds to a minute into a paddling, the endorphins kick in. The endorphins are what assist us in coping, allowing our focus to go elsewhere, and allowing us to tolerate/stay in position.  Stress melts away during the paddling because of the dopamine being released. That is why we feel satisfied or completed afterwards.

Who cares?  Well, a lot of people care! Scientists are now using "whipping therapy" to treat addiction, depression, and other ailments in Russia and parts of Europe.  In the US, there are a small group of Wellness Centers that us spanking to treat stress and depression.  Studies have shown that the restoration of dopamine in conjunction with the ACTH and endorphin releases allows the therapy to progress.

I can see how DD works so much better now.  The lecture is such a huge step in personal responsibility which is necessary to affect any personal growth and change.  The punishment, especially if spanking, releases just the right combo of chemicals so that the punishment produces enough pain and coping and stress relief to clear (if you will) our emotional baggage, and the aftercare of reassurance, physical affection, and kindness restores the connection and floods us with feeling loved, cared for, and protected.  Genius!

For the record...no spankings (yet) today. Lots of discussions...sex...cuddles...and space/personal time.

Disconnect/Reconnect

This morning was a Sad Day. I had intrusive thoughts about previous marital problems.  I had a few tears roll down my cheeks, and tried hard to get out of that head space.  HoH took our oldest daughter to synagogue and I stayed home with the youngest.  I ate a bunch of food, read books to the little one, took a bubble bath...

HoH returned home and things still seemed off.  After a late lunch, HoH and I sat on the couch to hang out.  He ended up taking me downstairs, saying that he felt we were disconnected. He started a bit wishy-washy but ultimately took the lead, and told me that I needed a correction. He felt this is what was needed to bring us back together.

We went to the small junk room (a.k.a. The Spanking Room) and he pulled out the new whack paddle.  I immediately tried to talk him out of it.  He told me to turn around. Over the underwear. He started with a warm up of smacks on alternating cheeks, then moved on to some harder smacks. Just when I thought it was going to be too much, he stopped. 

I didn't move from position.  I felt like I was going to start bawling.  He pulled me up toward him, or told me to come to him, and we stood hugging for quite a while. Then he kissed me, and hugged me, and we stood there together, embracing a bit longer.

Afterwards, we had sex. It was mainly just straight sex but it was nice to connect a second time.  Now we are hanging out on the couch, me making this entry and he watching the football game.

Exploring

I am quite a little researcher, and I have been putting my fingers to the keyboard to do just that. Along the way, I found something called Taken in Hand.  Their main site makes it hard to determine exactly what it is, but it seems similar to DD.

My most exciting find, though, has been the Experience Project. WOW!  I set up an account, listed myself as practicing DD, and the support has been rolling in!  I feel so much more at ease and not lost, and I cannot wait to share it with HoH!  The group is welcoming and kind. I met a person who also just started DD, and we have been exchanging information.  You can find me there as username perfectlypunished2014.

www.experienceproject.com - I Am In A Domestic Discipline Marriage

*Whack*

Well, it was bound to happen. I left a huge mess when I left for work yesterday. Technically, I did have time to clean up. However, I procrastinated getting out of bed, and played a bit on the computer, and then...lost track of time. Next thing I knew, I had 10 minutes to get out of the door, and I still had to blow dry the hair, get dressed, brush teeth, etc.

When I arrived home from work, HoH showed me the mess that extended all over the room. I told him I intended to clean it up after work. That didn't fly. He said there would be a punishment, and it would happen when he got back from his Wednesday night class. I didn't concern myself with it too much. I cleaned up the room, made the bed, picked up my various messes, and went about the evening.

HoH returned from class with a package in his hand.  The New Paddle had arrived, and it was going to be broken in with me. Oh my!  HoH pulled my outfit up, my undies and pantyhose down, and I assumed the position for my 8 licks. Doesn't sound like much, I know.  Still, I was not overly concerned until...

*WHACK*

That first whack was ridiculous. I felt right then and there that I would not be able to tolerate another one. The pain was worse than I could ever expect. I instantly and instinctively went into begging mode, turned around, pleaded that it was too hard, refused to turn back around, etc. HoH calmed me down a bit, and then continued with the remaining 7.  Absolutely the most painful paddling to date.

I will *not* be leaving any messes any time soon. That's for sure!

Emotional Rollercoaster

We have barely just begun this journey, and I am confused at how unloved it feels when HoH does not make corrections. It feels like he doesn't care enough to put out the effort.

I left a huge mess on the floor.  Why? I am lazy, I was feeling a little depressed about feeling distant, and I was engulfed in hurt.  HoH came into the room, picked up the mess, and left.  No lecture. No spanking. No reconnecting/being taken care of afterward.  Oh, and also no spank to get back on track after feeling distant.

Truthfully, I secretly wonder if this means I am screwed up.  Why is getting a spanking the thing that brings us back?  Am I really feeling upset that I did NOT get spanked?  Why didn't he spank me? Does he not really want this? Am I reading too much into this, and if so, why do I instinctively feel this way?

On the other hand, it would have been so comforting for him to care enough to follow through. It would have meant he wanted us back on track. It would have meant he wants to continue to be a good leader.  It would have meant I could have felt better about everything that has transpired.

Cracks and Belts

There is a minor detail that I left out of my back story. More like major detail. And one I don't care to reveal at this time. I can tell you that it is a painful part of our marriage, and I am still trying to overcome the pain associated with it.  Often times, I feel as if I am cracked, and will never feel repaired. I second guess the decision to give this marriage another chance. I call these my Sad Days.

Yesterday was a Sad Day. HoH and I fought, processed, discussed, argued, and it all led to hurt feelings, moments of hopelessness, and bad juju.  We carried on this way all the way until bedtime. I knew we did not want to go to bed hurt and feeling this way.  I suggested that he find a way to get a lecture out of this, spank me, and then we could have sweet sex (instead of our usual rough -n- dirty stuff).  I knew I was going to have trouble getting over-the-hump to feel close before bed. HoH didn't really want to spank me because of all the hurt I was feeling. I asked him to find a way.

He gave me a lecture about creating distance between us, and said he was going to spank me because I had widened that gap. He decided upon 8 licks with a belt. This was a first time for the belt.  I bent over the bed, and he pulled down my pants and underwear.  Oh sweet sting!

Afterwards, we tried our hardest to have nice, sweet lovemaking...but it only degraded into slut talk and rough sex. No complaints here.

Making Mistakes

Yesterday was a strange day. HoH and I got along great, but there were times that I felt tired and a bit crabby.  As such, I was snappier than I needed to be in my conversations.  HoH let it slide. We talked later that night about consistency, and about not letting things slide.  We discussed his struggles - mainly not wanting to seem like an asshole or too strict - and we talked about my struggles - mainly that when I am not called on it, I tend to continue being snippy.  Our communication in just these few days has been amazing, and we both felt pretty happy with how the last few days have gone. 

As you will see from the Rules page, one rule has to be with not being messy. I leave messes wherever I go. I always have. My HoH is constantly picking up after me. The mess doesn't bother me but it has always caused friction in our marriage.  Before you jump to the conclusion that he is an OCD clean freak, just know that he is not. My messiness extends beyond the normal "mess." Our house is never impeccably clean, and my HoH doesn't expect it to be and neither do I.  The messiness he is referring to in the rules is just the general respectfulness to pick up after myself, i.e. don't leave clothes laying around the bathroom or room, don't let dishes pile up on my night table, etc.

This morning, after showering, I left a wet towel on HoH's side of the bed. I don't remember leaving it there, but clearly I did.  When we were leaving to go to breakfast, I happened to be waiting in the car when HoH came out to get me.  He held my hand, and told me he wanted to show me something.  He brought me to the bedroom, and showed me the wet towel on his side which had now made his pillow and side of the bed wet.  He discussed the rule of not leaving messes and decided a punishment was in order.

The punishment he decided on was small - three spanks - because he could tell that I had attempted to not leave a mess. I had put my clothes away and folded the other towel.  I was secretly relieved that it would be only three.  We went into the basement, and damn he hit hard.  Then we went to Walgreens where he bought a flat brush for next time while we wait for the paddle we ordered to come in.

Yes, we ordered a paddle.  A picture of it is below.  This paddle is supposed to be easy to handle. It is 1/2 inch thick and made of polycarbonate.  It is 12 inches long, and 2 1/4 inches wide.  It is strong, flexible, and will not crack. The 6 inch handle is no-slip, it is semi-clear in color, and lastly, all the edges are smooth.  We bought it from CANE-IAC online. They have an amazing selection.

My First Spanking

The first spanking took place yesterday, our first day of our DD journey. As you will see from the Punishments page, I used disrespectful language toward my husband in front of my daughter.  About three to five minutes after doing that, my HoH (head of household/husband) took my hand and walked me down to the basement for privacy.  He explained to me what I did, and why it is detrimental not only to our relationship, but to our daughter as well.  I agreed. I knew it was wrong.

Before this DD journey, it would have just been let go.  I was free to generously speak disrespectfully to my husband, and it either led to a big fight or him feeling resentful.  I never had to correct my behavior or even make amends for that matter.  This would happen several times a day as we navigated through life.  Me making comments; husband reacting with anger that turned to resentment.

Yesterday, though, he was calm. He did not react. He spoke to me about it gently. He said I was getting a spanking.  With this being the first spanking and us not having put it into practice just yet, he decided I would get five spanks, under my skirt, over my underwear, using his hand while I bent forward over a chest.

It HURT.

He spanked me extremely hard. At four I felt like crying. I was so thankful I was only getting five of these.  I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't the flood of emotions that surfaced.  After, he hugged me, held me tight...and it felt so loving and kind to me.

Overall, even though it hurt, and even though I am afraid to get another spanking (very different from the Bedroom Play spankings), I was so proud of my HoH for remaining calm...proud of myself for being able to apologize for my poor behavior...and proud of both of us for following through with the punishment.

The back story:

First the Bedroom
After over 20 years of marriage, and a terrible sex life for most of it, my husband and I discovered something in the bedroom that worked for us - for him to take control and for me to play a submissive role.  It has been exciting and the best sex we have ever had in our marriage. Being a feminist, one would think that wouldn't work for me. But, for whatever reason, it does. I enjoy giving up the control, and trusting him to take care of my needs.  I enjoy erotic humiliation, light pain, giving up some of the control, and a little roughness; he enjoys being in charge, light bondage, and lingerie/dressing up. While my husband would love our dom/sub relationship (for lack of a better description) to be 24/7, at this point, I am only interested in it for bedroom time.

The Household
In searching to learn a little more about the ways in which we were engaging in the bedroom, I came across a website for domestic discipline. The non-Religious form of it.  I was intrigued!  Spanking! Correction for things that are detrimental to the relationship! Submitting to that discipline but retaining one's autonomy within the relationship!  Yes...I wanted to give this a try. I discussed with my husband, and he agreed that he would like to give it a try. From this point on, I will refer to him as HoH (head of household).

What This Looks Like
Submissive relationship in the bedroom
Domestic Discipline outside of the bedroom
Blog to record this new adventure
Connection to a stronger degree with my husband

This is our journey...which started YESTERDAY!