Thanks to all of you who have commented and emailed me. I appreciate all of your advice and concern. You are all so kind and wise, and I truly have felt less alone by your reaching out.
I am getting ready to turn 45 in a couple of months. By age 43, one's chance of becoming pregnant is under 2%. Well, I must be a fertile myrtle. I am -6 days past due for my period, and when I took a pregnancy test the other day at work, that little blue plus sign appeared almost immediately. I am likely 4 weeks and 6 days pregnant.
No one in my "real" world knows. With a miscarriage rate of 53% for my age group, and how early it is at the moment, I will not be disclosing to anyone until this is viable. Still, it is a huge relief to be able to tell someone other than my husband. You, dear readers, are the only ones who know.
This may help explain some of my overwhelmed feelings. I am sure hormonal stuff is already occurring. Couple that with my financial stress, a death in the family, and generally feeling a bit overwhelmed, and the perfect storm has been created.
I am also super shocked - I didn't think I could get pregnant. I have been showing a few signs of beginning the change, and so I really thought I was in the safe zone. Two years ago, I would have been jumping up and down about this. Right now, I feel indifferent. Maybe because the last pregnancy I had at 41 ended in miscarriage and it was traumatic for me...or maybe because I don't feel financially secure right now...maybe because HoH and I have been through a lot since January, and I am just starting to feel secure in that "part" being over...or some combination of them all.
I don't know what this will mean for DD. I have been reading up, and it looks like spankings are not recommended when pregnant. I don't know where this leaves me. Other punishments don't seem to be as meaningful, and quite frankly, a good stress spanking right now would be invaluable.
HoH has (suddenly) got it, and has really been there for me. Tender, which is what I need. I don't know that I am reinforcing this tenderness because I am a big ball of stress (and I am eating non-stop to not be nauseated) but I love and appreciate all the ways he is trying to lessen my stress, and respond to my cray-cray-ness. I haven't told him this in so many words, but I plan to today. To let him know how much his tenderness and attention means to me, and really does help me.