Thursday, October 16, 2014

There Is No Safe Zone

Thanks to all of you who have commented and emailed me.  I appreciate all of your advice and concern.  You are all so kind and wise, and I truly have felt less alone by your reaching out.

I am getting ready to turn 45 in a couple of months.  By age 43, one's chance of becoming pregnant is under 2%.  Well, I must be a fertile myrtle.  I am -6 days past due for my period, and when I took a pregnancy test the other day at work, that little blue plus sign appeared almost immediately. I am likely 4 weeks and 6 days pregnant.

No one in my "real" world knows. With a miscarriage rate of 53% for my age group, and how early it is at the moment, I will not be disclosing to anyone until this is viable. Still, it is a huge relief to be able to tell someone other than my husband. You, dear readers, are the only ones who know.

This may help explain some of my overwhelmed feelings.  I am sure hormonal stuff is already occurring.  Couple that with my financial stress, a death in the family, and generally feeling a bit overwhelmed, and the perfect storm has been created.

I am also super shocked - I didn't think I could get pregnant. I have been showing a few signs of beginning the change, and so I really thought I was in the safe zone.  Two years ago, I would have been jumping up and down about this. Right now, I feel indifferent. Maybe because the last pregnancy I had at 41 ended in miscarriage and it was traumatic for me...or maybe because I don't feel financially secure right now...maybe because HoH and I have been through a lot since January, and I am just starting to feel secure in that "part" being over...or some combination of them all.

I don't know what this will mean for DD.  I have been reading up, and it looks like spankings are not recommended when pregnant. I don't know where this leaves me.  Other punishments don't seem to be as meaningful, and quite frankly, a good stress spanking right now would be invaluable. 

HoH has (suddenly) got it, and has really been there for me.  Tender, which is what I need. I don't know that I am reinforcing this tenderness because I am a big ball of stress (and I am eating non-stop to not be nauseated) but I love and appreciate all the ways he is trying to lessen my stress, and respond to my cray-cray-ness.  I haven't told him this in so many words, but I plan to today. To let him know how much his tenderness and attention means to me, and really does help me.


  1. I can certainly understand the confusion of it all. My Mom was in her late 30s ( which now I understand is not a big deal anymore to have a baby, but my eldest sister was 18 and the next one too me was 7 ). When I reached the age she was when she had me ( and the exact date as I was born on her birthday) it clicked for me. " Mom were you ready to jump off the refrigerator when you found out you were pregnant with me? " " Welllllllllllllllllllllllllll" was her response.

    As much as I adore babyville, and it is a lovely place to visit I wouldn't want to move there again. I understand the financial part of this whole revelation, the fear of losing any ground you have gained with your husband, and the fear of losing perhaps yourself. Also the guilt of these feelings as you are growing a little person based from love inside of you.

    UPSIDE...apparently pre-menopausal babies are extremely intelligent..( cough, cough) And well I credit my birth to keeping my Mom very young and fit! LOL.

    I hope things work out for the best for you, whichever that may be. I know you must be terrified most of all about losing your babe, based on what you have written. One step at a time.


  2. I understand the not wanting to celebrate or share with others. I fell pregnant in my early 40s and assumed the worse, she is 6 now. My SiL after years of trying got pregnant at 43, she'd given up all hope. That little one is now crawling. I pray it works out for you and you can enjoy this pregnancy.
    One day at time, it is all you can do for the moment.

  3. Congratulations! Keeping a good thought over here...

  4. Wow, what news! I can't imagine the shock. I will keep you in my prayers and send positive energy your way for sure. Most people don't recommend spanking while pregnant, but we did. I was not in a high risk category, though. I hope things begin to smooth out for you soon, it's really hard when life just keeps throwing stuff at you. I'm glad you choose to share here, we are all here for you :-)

  5. Congrats on your for the enjoy exploring other spanky bits....