We were supposed to be packing and preparing to go out of town. However, as happens a lot with me lately, I started to obsessively think about past problems. Couple that with being on my period, and feeling cranky...and you have an ugly mess. I pretty much unleashed a hurricane of anger, past hurt, current hurt, insecurities, and whatever else you can think of - I am sure it was in the mix. None of this is without warrant, and it was triggered by something insensitive that my HoH said, but it spiraled into tears, anger, and a pain that felt unbearable. When it was all said and done, HoH took me downstairs for a spanking. He said mainly it was for my tone and to try to lessen this huge gap between us. I laid over him and asked if he could use his hand.
Why would I do that? Something about the intimacy of being across his lap...of being so close...of him using his hand...seemed to feel right to me. He decided that he would be fine with that. He offered 10 on one cheek or 15 on alternating cheeks, no warm up. I chose alternating cheeks. He lifted my skirt, pulled my panties down, and began. It stung. I tried my hardest to relax and accept the punishment, but the last two caused me to rear up (but not get out of position). Then we were done. He held me a bit and then we were significantly passed where we had been. Since we were behind in getting ready, we continued packing, and were on our way.
This is one of those things, though, as I reflect, that I struggle with. This idea or actual practice of being submissive outside of the bedroom. Of being respectful 100% of the time, especially when he is making a mistake, or my feelings are being provoked, or when I am not feeling enamored with him. Is it all willpower? How does one get into the groove when not feeling in the groove at that moment? How is it possible to control one's emotions when one is experiencing them intensely?
The advice I have gotten so far has to do with actions - to do what I think will please him, and then continue to do that, taking pleasure in those times that I realize I am making him happy by doing that. I feel like I am working toward trying to follow the rules, but maybe am not being proactive in trying to do what he might find pleasurable or what might make him happy. I will certainly try to be more conscious of that.