Saturday, October 11, 2014

Stress-funk

I haven't blogged in a while. I have been in a stress-funk that I cannot seem to climb out of.  I feel paralyzed by it, and completely unmotivated.  Most of the stress is financial...some of it about the future...some of it about my health...and some of it has to do with daily life overwhelming me.  Sometimes I feel as if I have fallen into a deep hole, and there is no climbing out.  Sometimes I just feel like I am in a soft, warm bed, and there is no reason to ever move or get up. 

During this time of stress-funk, HoH has not done what I needed to help support me. Given that I don't really know exactly what will make me feel supported does not change that his ways to try to cope with my stress-funk have actually made it worse.  When I need to be reassured and held, he gives space.  When I need space, he makes demands.  When I need some time to take my mind off of it, he seems not to notice.  When I am upset, he doesn't comfort in the traditional sense of the word.  When I express I don't feel supported, he gets defensive because he says he is trying and everything he tries is "wrong."  There may be no right way, but everything seems to make my hole deeper...my bed more comfortable...which really means that it makes me want to disconnect from the world even more.

I am not one who is prone to things like instability, depression, neediness, or the like. I feel like I am trying to stay above water in certain areas, and although not failing, at least struggling.  This struggle seems like fear trying to gulp me up.

I don't mean to sound dramatic, and I am certainly not so low that I need intervention.  I am just in this spot that I am unfamiliar with and not quite certain how to kick its ass.



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10 comments:

  1. River WildOctober 12, 2014 at 1:05 AM

    Hi there,
    Unfortunately I am quite familiar with how you're feeling. Sometimes when it rains, it pours....and our ability to deal with stress, as humans, is limited. The only advice I can giveyou, which you've probably already done, is to tell him in the moment what you need. Ask for it if you have to, and talk to him about what's stressing you out. I used to always keep most of my issues to myself, not wanting to burden my husband with them. What I didn't know, was that him seeing me upset, not knowing why out how to help me was worse. Now I am better about going to him with my concerns, and it always helps. I'm sorry I don't have any great advice, but I hope you feel better soon.

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    1. willieOctober 15, 2014 at 3:04 PM

      I can't agree more with River! In addition to what she said, I will say...

      TTWD makes both parties vulnerable. Right now you are most likely missing a few coping skills ( that WEREN't to begin with). Some of your old 'go tos' aren't there anymore. It is a HUGE adjustment what ttwd does to our mind and heartset. Often you will hear many women say, " I have never cried as much as I have since starting Dd" And it is true for most of us. Fear not that settles down after a while. Think of an emotional pendulum swinging way out one way, until it settles after some time.

      Like River said, it is VERY difficult for our husbands to see us distraught. Especially if we were typically not visually distraught before Dd. This is all new to them too. Not only that they generally put so much pressure on themselves to make things right for us. To keep us save and happy, that they too can get paralyzed over time as to what to do if they think everything they do is wrong.

      Like everyone else, I would say talk to him. BUT you don't have to have answers or suggestions. Just say what you said here. That you have no idea what you might need at times. And make sure to thank him for trying. Because mistakes made mean attempts were made!

      I know when we are hurting that we tend to look at the other party and think, WHY aren't you helping me? It is a 'thing' many of us do, particularly at the start of this adventure. What I eventually learned to do ( and NOT ALWAYS successfully ) was to stand in his shoes. To see what HE saw. What was I projecting out to him?

      Go be vulnerable. Turn to him and say, " I'm not sure, but I think I might need a hug...a spanking...some leniency as I am not feeling strong...." whatever. You might be wrong, he might think differently, and that is HIS choice to make. But give him the opportunity to make it. SHARE.

      Good luck ! I know how horrible it feels to feel like you are in a hole. I don't wish that on anyone!
      willie

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    2. The WifeOctober 16, 2014 at 4:16 AM

      Thanks, Wilma.

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    3. The WifeOctober 16, 2014 at 4:17 AM

      Thanks, River.

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  2. Kitty the Submissive WifeOctober 12, 2014 at 11:15 AM

    "Everything is wrong" is a phase I am also familiar with... it led to a long break from DD for us until we could right ourselves. A lot had to do with me placing expectations on him that he was not ready for and did not want and it spiraled very poorly. I think the thing is that certain S-types approach this as something to do well, and then we want our A/reward when we do that. But sometimes, we have to just be. It is not a role to perfect, it is a role to live.

    If you figure out how to do that, let me know.

    Anyway, that's my thoughts on the him not being there for you, and they are oddly self specific, so may not apply to you at all. Add in the real life struggles and I can understand the funk. Focus on being well with hubby and the rest of the stuff can be dealt with. In my opinion.

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  3. UnknownOctober 12, 2014 at 5:20 PM

    If only we could flip a switch! On them and ourselves. Wouldn't that he fantastic?

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  4. StraightOctober 12, 2014 at 10:17 PM

    I typed out this huge response and was afraid I was going to erase it with a slip of the wrist...and I did.

    Long story short now unfortunately...

    My wife showed me your blog and I have been following your blog for about a month here and on experience project when we started DD with a D/s dash to it. You and your husband are in very similar places in life and DD as we are. I became concerned when I had not seen you post in a while....so have been checking back to see when your next post would be and what was going to be in it...had a feeling something was up.

    Well, may I share a few observations with you ? Okay, thanks...lolz.

    Does your husband read your blog ? I think you may want to consider taking your post here and editing it into a letter to him or a DD journal entry if you have one. Journals are amazing tools for some...you might want to consider one if you have not done so already.

    Anyway, I can't tell you how important I think it is that he 'get' what you are going thru, and that you simply need his love right now...even if it starts out with a hug, some kind words and an alone and intimate dinner or light/fun date. You just have to connect right now...period.

    Also, do you work a job ? If you do, do you really want to ? If you don't want to, see if you just quit or work a part time one instead. For my wife anyway, it is worth its weight in gold not to have to have that pressure and stress.

    Sorry if all this comes across as weird/stalker/too forward...but just concerned about you as a person that is on such a similar road.

    Best to you and yours...

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    Replies
    1. The WifeOctober 16, 2014 at 4:18 AM

      Thanks, Straight. Welcome to my blog, and thanks for your comments.

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