There Is No Safe Zone

Thanks to all of you who have commented and emailed me.  I appreciate all of your advice and concern.  You are all so kind and wise, and I truly have felt less alone by your reaching out.

I am getting ready to turn 45 in a couple of months.  By age 43, one's chance of becoming pregnant is under 2%.  Well, I must be a fertile myrtle.  I am -6 days past due for my period, and when I took a pregnancy test the other day at work, that little blue plus sign appeared almost immediately. I am likely 4 weeks and 6 days pregnant.

No one in my "real" world knows. With a miscarriage rate of 53% for my age group, and how early it is at the moment, I will not be disclosing to anyone until this is viable. Still, it is a huge relief to be able to tell someone other than my husband. You, dear readers, are the only ones who know.

This may help explain some of my overwhelmed feelings.  I am sure hormonal stuff is already occurring.  Couple that with my financial stress, a death in the family, and generally feeling a bit overwhelmed, and the perfect storm has been created.

I am also super shocked - I didn't think I could get pregnant. I have been showing a few signs of beginning the change, and so I really thought I was in the safe zone.  Two years ago, I would have been jumping up and down about this. Right now, I feel indifferent. Maybe because the last pregnancy I had at 41 ended in miscarriage and it was traumatic for me...or maybe because I don't feel financially secure right now...maybe because HoH and I have been through a lot since January, and I am just starting to feel secure in that "part" being over...or some combination of them all.

I don't know what this will mean for DD.  I have been reading up, and it looks like spankings are not recommended when pregnant. I don't know where this leaves me.  Other punishments don't seem to be as meaningful, and quite frankly, a good stress spanking right now would be invaluable. 

HoH has (suddenly) got it, and has really been there for me.  Tender, which is what I need. I don't know that I am reinforcing this tenderness because I am a big ball of stress (and I am eating non-stop to not be nauseated) but I love and appreciate all the ways he is trying to lessen my stress, and respond to my cray-cray-ness.  I haven't told him this in so many words, but I plan to today. To let him know how much his tenderness and attention means to me, and really does help me.

Stress-funk

I haven't blogged in a while. I have been in a stress-funk that I cannot seem to climb out of.  I feel paralyzed by it, and completely unmotivated.  Most of the stress is financial...some of it about the future...some of it about my health...and some of it has to do with daily life overwhelming me.  Sometimes I feel as if I have fallen into a deep hole, and there is no climbing out.  Sometimes I just feel like I am in a soft, warm bed, and there is no reason to ever move or get up. 

During this time of stress-funk, HoH has not done what I needed to help support me. Given that I don't really know exactly what will make me feel supported does not change that his ways to try to cope with my stress-funk have actually made it worse.  When I need to be reassured and held, he gives space.  When I need space, he makes demands.  When I need some time to take my mind off of it, he seems not to notice.  When I am upset, he doesn't comfort in the traditional sense of the word.  When I express I don't feel supported, he gets defensive because he says he is trying and everything he tries is "wrong."  There may be no right way, but everything seems to make my hole deeper...my bed more comfortable...which really means that it makes me want to disconnect from the world even more.

I am not one who is prone to things like instability, depression, neediness, or the like. I feel like I am trying to stay above water in certain areas, and although not failing, at least struggling.  This struggle seems like fear trying to gulp me up.

I don't mean to sound dramatic, and I am certainly not so low that I need intervention.  I am just in this spot that I am unfamiliar with and not quite certain how to kick its ass.