A Little Sugar

It has been a while since we had sex - like a whole week.  The combo of exhaustion and the pregnancy shocker did it.  For us, that is a long time. We usually have sex daily or almost daily, and if not that, then as least some kind of fooling around.  As sometimes happens with me, if we have any kind of break, it becomes hard for me to get into that initial re-start of sex. We call is getting Over the Hump. 

Last night we had Over the Hump sex. It was eh.  In the middle of Over the Hump sex, I do have a little bit of a hard time becoming aroused, and it bothers me.  No matter what HoH does, I just cannot get my head in the game that first time.  And as always, I am always a little fearful that we won't somehow get back to the good stuff.  It is just an unrealistic fear, but...

This morning, after a little sugar that involved "as rough as one is comfortable while remembering that one partner is pregnant," I would say that the fear is gone and we are definitely over and past the hump.

There Is No Safe Zone

Thanks to all of you who have commented and emailed me.  I appreciate all of your advice and concern.  You are all so kind and wise, and I truly have felt less alone by your reaching out.

I am getting ready to turn 45 in a couple of months.  By age 43, one's chance of becoming pregnant is under 2%.  Well, I must be a fertile myrtle.  I am -6 days past due for my period, and when I took a pregnancy test the other day at work, that little blue plus sign appeared almost immediately. I am likely 4 weeks and 6 days pregnant.

No one in my "real" world knows. With a miscarriage rate of 53% for my age group, and how early it is at the moment, I will not be disclosing to anyone until this is viable. Still, it is a huge relief to be able to tell someone other than my husband. You, dear readers, are the only ones who know.

This may help explain some of my overwhelmed feelings.  I am sure hormonal stuff is already occurring.  Couple that with my financial stress, a death in the family, and generally feeling a bit overwhelmed, and the perfect storm has been created.

I am also super shocked - I didn't think I could get pregnant. I have been showing a few signs of beginning the change, and so I really thought I was in the safe zone.  Two years ago, I would have been jumping up and down about this. Right now, I feel indifferent. Maybe because the last pregnancy I had at 41 ended in miscarriage and it was traumatic for me...or maybe because I don't feel financially secure right now...maybe because HoH and I have been through a lot since January, and I am just starting to feel secure in that "part" being over...or some combination of them all.

I don't know what this will mean for DD.  I have been reading up, and it looks like spankings are not recommended when pregnant. I don't know where this leaves me.  Other punishments don't seem to be as meaningful, and quite frankly, a good stress spanking right now would be invaluable. 

HoH has (suddenly) got it, and has really been there for me.  Tender, which is what I need. I don't know that I am reinforcing this tenderness because I am a big ball of stress (and I am eating non-stop to not be nauseated) but I love and appreciate all the ways he is trying to lessen my stress, and respond to my cray-cray-ness.  I haven't told him this in so many words, but I plan to today. To let him know how much his tenderness and attention means to me, and really does help me.

Maintenance Spanking

You may not know, but I have been coughing for about 2 months now, and have been experiencing extreme exhaustion for a few months. I have had in-depth blood work done and other tests for the exhaustion, but the coughing is fairly new. Today I had to use the inhaler a few times to be able to catch all of my breath.  (Not to worry! Doctor appointment on Tuesday for the cough!)

This did not stop HoH from directing me to stand up, pull my pants down, and lean over the bed.  I protested the whole time. "What are you doing?  I don't feel well!"  He calmly explained that I was getting a maintenance spanking, and to do what he says.

Hand on the bare bottom. Ouch!

He didn't do a lot of them, but they were all in the same spot on the same cheek. Outside the bedroom door, the dogs were going ballistic, trying to get in the room (at the sound of the smacks). They ended up turning on each other so the maintenance stopped a little early.

Well, friends...it instantly made me aroused. Out of nowhere, I wanted HoH's manhood in my hand, or my mouth, or inside of me.  I wanted the crop out, and I wanted to feel its sting on my nipples. I started having great fantasies that involved me looking hot (not with my hair sticking out and pale like I look at this scary moment!). Yes, that is all it took, a maintenance spank - to put me in the mood, and in submissive mode.

Paddling in the Tears

Today was a tiny breakthrough.  For the first time ever, I cried during a spanking.

The day started off great, but at one point, we disagreed about something involving one of our children, and the ensuing debate (he called it an argument) got a little heated. He left the room in a huff after raising his voice at me.

Once he calmed down, we descended to the basement to the Spank Room.  The paddle came out. The lecture consisted of him retelling how it came that he yelled, his apology for raising his voice, his view that I was not listening but rather over-talking him, and that since this was not going to be a part of our relationship, a spanking must happen.

The pants went down.

The underwear went down.

My belly went down so that I was leaning over a storage bench.

Once in position, the warm up started. The warm up HURT. Once the real spanking started, it was a little unbearable. I started sobbing. Begging. Turning.  Crying some more. Begging some more. Turning some more.  When it was all said and done, I got a few extras for not staying still.

When I got up, and he brought me to his arms, I continued crying. I couldn't stop. A "release" (for lack of a better word) occurred, and the tears flowed. First time ever during a spanking.

It was cleansing.

The ON in Connection

Sex alone can be a good connector when a couple is feeling disconnected.  Spanking can also be a good connector when a couple is feeling disconnected.  But the Spank-Sex combo...well, that, my dear friends, is the *real* connector!

Coming off the two-spank day, and adding a little hot sex into the mix, really does the job. It makes me want to perform acts of submission. It makes me want to go new places with it, even though I am hesitant to try something new in the submission department.

And it makes me have an insatiable sexual appetite. I just want it, or really, want my own pleasure-play where he is involved in making it happen.  For that slice of time, I cannot get enough, and it cannot be dirty enough, and it cannot be rough enough..I just want hot, dirty, rough, submissive sex.

There. I wrote it. Back in my turtle shell.

Double Trouble or The Hand and The Belt

Yes, it has happened - spanked twice in one day.

This afternoon, when the family arrived home, I was just plain off.  I couldn't stop repetitive thoughts about past marital and life failures, and I was bubbling with anger and sadness.  I started right away on HoH, chastising him and being critical.  I couldn't shake it. I wanted him to feel the same pain I was feeling. I pushed and pushed until he made the decision.  In the room. Door shut. TV turned up loud. Pants down. Undies on. The Hand. I have no idea how many I got, but I do know that it hurt after only something like 4 or 5 of them. I would guess I got around 20 solid, hard spanks.

It helped, a little.

Fast forward a few hours, after spending time at the park with our friends and one large gin drink later. Mouthy. Yes, that is probably the right word. HoH and I were just not connected.  After arguing about dinner, and who would make it, and various other thing, I thought he was getting up to make dinner. Instead he shut the door, took off his belt, and again, it was punishment time.  Over the underwear. Belt. 15 solid hits. OUCH! My bottom is bright red. It stings really badly.

This was the break through spank. I am feeling much better. I feel like some of that darkness was let go.  The sting is reminding me that I am cared for. That it matters when we aren't connected.  That I should and can be the better person that I want to be. That it is time to get back into submissive mode, where things are easier.

Spankarequest

I want to make a spankarequest.  You know, when one says somehow - I am officially requesting a spanking, and one like you mean it, and one you will follow through with, and one that lets me know that you will be back in the game full time, and one that lets me know more are to follow with one little step out of line.

You know, THAT kind of spankarequest.

The kind that equals red stingy bottom. The kind that equals an almost reach back.  The kind that equals "You know you are in charge" and "I know I am not." That kind that I don't have to dictate but that you automatically get how much, how hard, and how best to deliver it.

That kind of spankarequest.

Spanked!

Wow.  How many days has it been? How mouthy have I been? How many more ways could I unconsciously ASK him to re-take control? It happened. It was deserved, for sure. As always, it hurt like hell!

After a full day yesterday of mouthing off, and waiting in the room for my spanking, my HoH had moved on to another project - fixing the bed downstairs.  It was almost time to pick the kids up from school, and each was having a friend to spend the night.  I knew the formula:  friends over = no spanking. After a couple of reminders, I was furious. With something like 5 minutes before we were to leave, I screamed down the stairs a culmination of all of my frustration: "Fine! If you aren't going to do DD then you aren't getting any f'ing kink in the bedroom!"

[Stomps loudly to the bedroom.]

Up the stairs he came, clear whack paddle in hand, and he grabbed my legs, twisted me to the side so that my bottom was in a position to be smacked, and then he gave a stern and angry lecture.  He then allowed me to change positions to bending over the bed, and the whacking started.  After something like 15 or so whacks that hurt, he announced that the warm up swats were over, and the real spanking would start.

WHAT?!?!

After ten, I did the unthinkable - I reached back.  He told me to put my hands back down, and that I just got 3 more added to the end. I put my hands down, took a deep breath, and repeated over and over in my head "Relax and accept. Relax and accept. Relax and accept."  Pretty soon, he was at 25, and then I got the last three "extra" swats.

Um, OUCH!

We hugged a long time afterwards, and I felt so much better to be over this hateful mouthy hump...to have received the spanking...to have him take the control back.  Then he disclosed that he learned in the DD Chat that he was spanking too hard, and that is why he could only do 10 or so swats, and why it didn't hurt for very long afterwards.  He learned that the whacks should be a bit lighter, and to go for more.  They were right. My bottom was sore ALL NIGHT!

It feels good to feel loved. Cared for. Worth the effort. Back to being a better person. I hated my spanking, but I loved my spanking. I hope he will be swift in the future. Clearly I need it.

Inspection Perfection

Today, I was subjected to a body inspection after my shower.

I had to kneel on an ottoman with my stomach on the bed, with my ass presented to him.  He said that this is position 1.  He checked my anal hole thoroughly, then my vagina.  He felt it for smoothness, smelled it for cleanliness, and tasted it for freshness. He spent some time licking my clit.  He felt around inside of it, too.

He then had me roll over on the bed with my legs apart but still on the ottoman.  This he said is position 2.  He proceeded to checked my toes (smack on the bottom twice for a broken toenail), my feet, legs, face, mouth, ears (smack on the bottom for them needing cleaning), and breasts.  Then he checked more thoroughly my vagina.  He looked at the outside, how close my shave was, whether or not I had razor burn, etc.  Then he starting licking my clit, fingering my backside hole, and bringing me to orgasm.

Then he stood up and shoved his big cock inside of me. He gave instructions about the next inspection as he pounded into me.  If he announces that there will be an inspection after a shower, then I am to go directly after it into the bedroom and assume position 1 until he arrives for the inspection, regardless of how long it takes him to get there.

Because we have been having sex three to four times a day for the last month or so, I am quite sore.  Today, my vagina feels raw and swollen so his thrusting hurt in that good kind of way.  Once he noticed that, he made me beg for him to hurt me.  He grabbed my hair, smacked my face, and deeply thrusted into me while expecting me to not resist and requiring me to beg him for it.

It was HOT!

Afterwards, I was so dizzy, I had to lie on the bed for 20 minutes to get back to normal.

Over the Knee

We were supposed to be packing and preparing to go out of town. However, as happens a lot with me lately, I started to obsessively think about past problems.  Couple that with being on my period, and feeling cranky...and you have an ugly mess.  I pretty much unleashed a hurricane of anger, past hurt, current hurt, insecurities, and whatever else you can think of - I am sure it was in the mix.  None of this is without warrant, and it was triggered by something insensitive that my HoH said, but it spiraled into tears, anger, and a pain that felt unbearable.  When it was all said and done, HoH took me downstairs for a spanking. He said mainly it was for my tone and to try to lessen this huge gap between us. I laid over him and asked if he could use his hand.

Why would I do that?  Something about the intimacy of being across his lap...of being so close...of him using his hand...seemed to feel right to me.  He decided that he would be fine with that.  He offered 10 on one cheek or 15 on alternating cheeks, no warm up.  I chose alternating cheeks. He lifted my skirt, pulled my panties down, and began.  It stung.  I tried my hardest to relax and accept the punishment, but the last two caused me to rear up (but not get out of position). Then we were done. He held me a bit and then we were significantly passed where we had been. Since we were behind in getting ready, we continued packing, and were on our way.

This is one of those things, though, as I reflect, that I struggle with.   This idea or actual practice of being submissive outside of the bedroom.  Of being respectful 100% of the time, especially when he is making a mistake, or my feelings are being provoked, or when I am not feeling enamored with him.  Is it all willpower? How does one get into the groove when not feeling in the groove at that moment?  How is it possible to control one's emotions when one is experiencing them intensely?

The advice I have gotten so far has to do with actions - to do what I think will please him, and then continue to do that, taking pleasure in those times that I realize I am making him happy by doing that. I feel like I am working toward trying to follow the rules, but maybe am not being proactive in trying to do what he might find pleasurable or what might make him happy. I will certainly try to be more conscious of that.

 

Spanking and the Brain

HoH and I have been discussing how weird it is that this works - so far!  How and why? Who would have thought? I started doing a little research and found some pretty interesting things that I didn't know before.

Our brains are an amazing thing! It has built into it ways to cope with anxiety, stress and fear. It uses three main chemicals/neurotransmitters - ACTH and Endorphins/Dopamine.  The ACTH helps us hone in on and pay attention to pain, thus making us feel it more acutely.  The endorphins reduce our attention to the said pain, thus making us not feel it as intensely. The dopamine stimulates our pleasure center.

ACTH is the motivator. Let's say that we are walking down the street, and someone is lurking in the alleyway.  The first chemical released is ACTH. This is in response to the fear/danger we are experiencing.  Our awareness is heightened, and we are motivated by fight-or-flight. If we were assaulted in that process, we would feel it intensely and it would motivate us to move!

Directly after, endorphins are released.  This decreases our focus so that we are able to actual get up and run, and it decreases our pain so that if we are injured, we are able to try to get away.  Stress reduces our dopamine, but in the case of the endorphin/dopamine combo, the dopamine is restored and we become more balanced.  Endorphins and dopamine are the "happy" chemicals, the rush, the thing that helps us cope, and help us have satisfaction.

In terms of spanking, before and directly in the beginning, ACTH is released. The fear or hesitation or anticipation of pain helps it to be released.  We really feel those first whacks because of its release. We also are hyper-focused on those first whacks for the same reason.

Approximately 30 seconds to a minute into a paddling, the endorphins kick in. The endorphins are what assist us in coping, allowing our focus to go elsewhere, and allowing us to tolerate/stay in position.  Stress melts away during the paddling because of the dopamine being released. That is why we feel satisfied or completed afterwards.

Who cares?  Well, a lot of people care! Scientists are now using "whipping therapy" to treat addiction, depression, and other ailments in Russia and parts of Europe.  In the US, there are a small group of Wellness Centers that us spanking to treat stress and depression.  Studies have shown that the restoration of dopamine in conjunction with the ACTH and endorphin releases allows the therapy to progress.

I can see how DD works so much better now.  The lecture is such a huge step in personal responsibility which is necessary to affect any personal growth and change.  The punishment, especially if spanking, releases just the right combo of chemicals so that the punishment produces enough pain and coping and stress relief to clear (if you will) our emotional baggage, and the aftercare of reassurance, physical affection, and kindness restores the connection and floods us with feeling loved, cared for, and protected.  Genius!

For the record...no spankings (yet) today. Lots of discussions...sex...cuddles...and space/personal time.

Disconnect/Reconnect

This morning was a Sad Day. I had intrusive thoughts about previous marital problems.  I had a few tears roll down my cheeks, and tried hard to get out of that head space.  HoH took our oldest daughter to synagogue and I stayed home with the youngest.  I ate a bunch of food, read books to the little one, took a bubble bath...

HoH returned home and things still seemed off.  After a late lunch, HoH and I sat on the couch to hang out.  He ended up taking me downstairs, saying that he felt we were disconnected. He started a bit wishy-washy but ultimately took the lead, and told me that I needed a correction. He felt this is what was needed to bring us back together.

We went to the small junk room (a.k.a. The Spanking Room) and he pulled out the new whack paddle.  I immediately tried to talk him out of it.  He told me to turn around. Over the underwear. He started with a warm up of smacks on alternating cheeks, then moved on to some harder smacks. Just when I thought it was going to be too much, he stopped. 

I didn't move from position.  I felt like I was going to start bawling.  He pulled me up toward him, or told me to come to him, and we stood hugging for quite a while. Then he kissed me, and hugged me, and we stood there together, embracing a bit longer.

Afterwards, we had sex. It was mainly just straight sex but it was nice to connect a second time.  Now we are hanging out on the couch, me making this entry and he watching the football game.

Emotional Rollercoaster

We have barely just begun this journey, and I am confused at how unloved it feels when HoH does not make corrections. It feels like he doesn't care enough to put out the effort.

I left a huge mess on the floor.  Why? I am lazy, I was feeling a little depressed about feeling distant, and I was engulfed in hurt.  HoH came into the room, picked up the mess, and left.  No lecture. No spanking. No reconnecting/being taken care of afterward.  Oh, and also no spank to get back on track after feeling distant.

Truthfully, I secretly wonder if this means I am screwed up.  Why is getting a spanking the thing that brings us back?  Am I really feeling upset that I did NOT get spanked?  Why didn't he spank me? Does he not really want this? Am I reading too much into this, and if so, why do I instinctively feel this way?

On the other hand, it would have been so comforting for him to care enough to follow through. It would have meant he wanted us back on track. It would have meant he wants to continue to be a good leader.  It would have meant I could have felt better about everything that has transpired.

My First Spanking

The first spanking took place yesterday, our first day of our DD journey. As you will see from the Punishments page, I used disrespectful language toward my husband in front of my daughter.  About three to five minutes after doing that, my HoH (head of household/husband) took my hand and walked me down to the basement for privacy.  He explained to me what I did, and why it is detrimental not only to our relationship, but to our daughter as well.  I agreed. I knew it was wrong.

Before this DD journey, it would have just been let go.  I was free to generously speak disrespectfully to my husband, and it either led to a big fight or him feeling resentful.  I never had to correct my behavior or even make amends for that matter.  This would happen several times a day as we navigated through life.  Me making comments; husband reacting with anger that turned to resentment.

Yesterday, though, he was calm. He did not react. He spoke to me about it gently. He said I was getting a spanking.  With this being the first spanking and us not having put it into practice just yet, he decided I would get five spanks, under my skirt, over my underwear, using his hand while I bent forward over a chest.

It HURT.

He spanked me extremely hard. At four I felt like crying. I was so thankful I was only getting five of these.  I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't the flood of emotions that surfaced.  After, he hugged me, held me tight...and it felt so loving and kind to me.

Overall, even though it hurt, and even though I am afraid to get another spanking (very different from the Bedroom Play spankings), I was so proud of my HoH for remaining calm...proud of myself for being able to apologize for my poor behavior...and proud of both of us for following through with the punishment.

The back story:

First the Bedroom
After over 20 years of marriage, and a terrible sex life for most of it, my husband and I discovered something in the bedroom that worked for us - for him to take control and for me to play a submissive role.  It has been exciting and the best sex we have ever had in our marriage. Being a feminist, one would think that wouldn't work for me. But, for whatever reason, it does. I enjoy giving up the control, and trusting him to take care of my needs.  I enjoy erotic humiliation, light pain, giving up some of the control, and a little roughness; he enjoys being in charge, light bondage, and lingerie/dressing up. While my husband would love our dom/sub relationship (for lack of a better description) to be 24/7, at this point, I am only interested in it for bedroom time.

The Household
In searching to learn a little more about the ways in which we were engaging in the bedroom, I came across a website for domestic discipline. The non-Religious form of it.  I was intrigued!  Spanking! Correction for things that are detrimental to the relationship! Submitting to that discipline but retaining one's autonomy within the relationship!  Yes...I wanted to give this a try. I discussed with my husband, and he agreed that he would like to give it a try. From this point on, I will refer to him as HoH (head of household).

What This Looks Like
Submissive relationship in the bedroom
Domestic Discipline outside of the bedroom
Blog to record this new adventure
Connection to a stronger degree with my husband

This is our journey...which started YESTERDAY!