Paddling in the Tears

Today was a tiny breakthrough.  For the first time ever, I cried during a spanking.

The day started off great, but at one point, we disagreed about something involving one of our children, and the ensuing debate (he called it an argument) got a little heated. He left the room in a huff after raising his voice at me.

Once he calmed down, we descended to the basement to the Spank Room.  The paddle came out. The lecture consisted of him retelling how it came that he yelled, his apology for raising his voice, his view that I was not listening but rather over-talking him, and that since this was not going to be a part of our relationship, a spanking must happen.

The pants went down.

The underwear went down.

My belly went down so that I was leaning over a storage bench.

Once in position, the warm up started. The warm up HURT. Once the real spanking started, it was a little unbearable. I started sobbing. Begging. Turning.  Crying some more. Begging some more. Turning some more.  When it was all said and done, I got a few extras for not staying still.

When I got up, and he brought me to his arms, I continued crying. I couldn't stop. A "release" (for lack of a better word) occurred, and the tears flowed. First time ever during a spanking.

It was cleansing.

Spanked!

Wow.  How many days has it been? How mouthy have I been? How many more ways could I unconsciously ASK him to re-take control? It happened. It was deserved, for sure. As always, it hurt like hell!

After a full day yesterday of mouthing off, and waiting in the room for my spanking, my HoH had moved on to another project - fixing the bed downstairs.  It was almost time to pick the kids up from school, and each was having a friend to spend the night.  I knew the formula:  friends over = no spanking. After a couple of reminders, I was furious. With something like 5 minutes before we were to leave, I screamed down the stairs a culmination of all of my frustration: "Fine! If you aren't going to do DD then you aren't getting any f'ing kink in the bedroom!"

[Stomps loudly to the bedroom.]

Up the stairs he came, clear whack paddle in hand, and he grabbed my legs, twisted me to the side so that my bottom was in a position to be smacked, and then he gave a stern and angry lecture.  He then allowed me to change positions to bending over the bed, and the whacking started.  After something like 15 or so whacks that hurt, he announced that the warm up swats were over, and the real spanking would start.

WHAT?!?!

After ten, I did the unthinkable - I reached back.  He told me to put my hands back down, and that I just got 3 more added to the end. I put my hands down, took a deep breath, and repeated over and over in my head "Relax and accept. Relax and accept. Relax and accept."  Pretty soon, he was at 25, and then I got the last three "extra" swats.

Um, OUCH!

We hugged a long time afterwards, and I felt so much better to be over this hateful mouthy hump...to have received the spanking...to have him take the control back.  Then he disclosed that he learned in the DD Chat that he was spanking too hard, and that is why he could only do 10 or so swats, and why it didn't hurt for very long afterwards.  He learned that the whacks should be a bit lighter, and to go for more.  They were right. My bottom was sore ALL NIGHT!

It feels good to feel loved. Cared for. Worth the effort. Back to being a better person. I hated my spanking, but I loved my spanking. I hope he will be swift in the future. Clearly I need it.

The Fantasy of It

The fantasy of it - pulling my panties down in shame, bending over, getting my bottom smacked over and over and over again...the bright red glorious sting...

I look at spanking photographs, and I fantasize this scenario quite regularly.  It makes me crave a spanking, it makes me tingle in the nether-area, it makes me want to be touched.

And then...when the reality of the situation occurs...it is NOTHING like the fantasy.  It is painful. Real pain. In that moment, I want it to end, for it to be more like bedroom play spankings. Afterwards...back to the fantasy as I deal with the bright red glorious sting...

This is pretty much how the last two days have gone.  Yesterday, due to messes I left around the bedroom, and yet another episode of me (for some reason) not being able to get passed something in the past, I came home from work and was told that I was in for a spanking.  All the way until the actual event, I was slightly heady from the fantasy of it.

The reality of it?  Two whacks into being spanked with a wooden bathroom back scrubber, the thing broke in two!  The punishment of 15 licks continued with the thin wooden handle of the broken implement.  OUCH!  Not fun, and I had a little trouble staying in position.  After the discipline spanking, he continued with his hand for an additional 7 or 8 for stress relief.  My poor bottom!

Today, after leaving the same items out (I failed to clean up the mess that resulted in yesterday's spanking), I was told I was getting another spanking.  I actually thought, Lucky me! Woo hoo! Bring it! How soon I forget, and how I underestimated how badly it would hurt since I was just spanked yesterday.

Personally, I think the warm up should have counted as spankings.  My bottom was so sore after the warm up, that after the first whack with the clear paddle, I jumped out of position, begging for my poor bottom.  Because of that, he didn't count that whack.  Staying in position was nearly impossible.  I don't want to be restrained for spankings, but I cannot see how I can stay in position otherwise. I must be a major wimp.  Regardless, somehow I made it through the only 8 whacks, unrestrained and barely able to cope.

You would think that all of this would cure my fantasy...not really! I can't wait for all the love and pain that comes with my man keeping things in line. 

Premenstrual Mouthiness

I am approximately two days out from starting my period, and my premenstrual syndrome has kicked into full gear.  Light headache, irritability, mood swings...

This morning, on the way to take our daughters to school, my patience was at zero, and I barked at my HoH several times. I was also verbally critical of him in front of my daughters (about something he was discussing with our oldest daughter).

After my doctor's appointment to which he accompanied me, we went to lunch. We briefly discussed at lunch before he dropped me at work.  I thought that was it. It wasn't.  Once home from work, he stated I still needed to get my spanking.

What?!

"Yes," he said.  In some ways, consistency sucks.

Downstairs we went.  He did the lecture part, discussing what I had done, and why it needs to be corrected. He told me I would have warm up spanks and then 8 licks.  Down went the jeans.  Down went the underwear. Bare butt!

Before the spankings, he let me know that he expects me to take this spanking without turning around, stopping him, blocking with my hands. He said I would receive extra whacks if that occurs. Then he began.

Warm up - seemed like around 20 lighter smacks in groups of 5, alternating cheeks.  Then a brief pause to tell me that NOW the licks would begin (what?! none of those counted?!).

PAINFUL. As they should be, but still.

The dogs went wild, barking at the whacks, acting crazy.  We had to shush them for a few minutes before he could hug me. That sucked. We had to walk across the room to the couch, and then his phone started ringing. And my butt hurt enough that I needed to lie on my side on the couch.

This is the first spanking that still hurts. He said afterwards that he felt he had been spanking incorrectly. It is clear to me that he had been as well. I think he has the warm up strength and the regular strength of the paddling down, and knows to smack one or two past what he believes I think I can handle.  Can I YAY and OH CRAP at the same time?!?

Disconnect/Reconnect

This morning was a Sad Day. I had intrusive thoughts about previous marital problems.  I had a few tears roll down my cheeks, and tried hard to get out of that head space.  HoH took our oldest daughter to synagogue and I stayed home with the youngest.  I ate a bunch of food, read books to the little one, took a bubble bath...

HoH returned home and things still seemed off.  After a late lunch, HoH and I sat on the couch to hang out.  He ended up taking me downstairs, saying that he felt we were disconnected. He started a bit wishy-washy but ultimately took the lead, and told me that I needed a correction. He felt this is what was needed to bring us back together.

We went to the small junk room (a.k.a. The Spanking Room) and he pulled out the new whack paddle.  I immediately tried to talk him out of it.  He told me to turn around. Over the underwear. He started with a warm up of smacks on alternating cheeks, then moved on to some harder smacks. Just when I thought it was going to be too much, he stopped. 

I didn't move from position.  I felt like I was going to start bawling.  He pulled me up toward him, or told me to come to him, and we stood hugging for quite a while. Then he kissed me, and hugged me, and we stood there together, embracing a bit longer.

Afterwards, we had sex. It was mainly just straight sex but it was nice to connect a second time.  Now we are hanging out on the couch, me making this entry and he watching the football game.

Making Mistakes

Yesterday was a strange day. HoH and I got along great, but there were times that I felt tired and a bit crabby.  As such, I was snappier than I needed to be in my conversations.  HoH let it slide. We talked later that night about consistency, and about not letting things slide.  We discussed his struggles - mainly not wanting to seem like an asshole or too strict - and we talked about my struggles - mainly that when I am not called on it, I tend to continue being snippy.  Our communication in just these few days has been amazing, and we both felt pretty happy with how the last few days have gone. 

As you will see from the Rules page, one rule has to be with not being messy. I leave messes wherever I go. I always have. My HoH is constantly picking up after me. The mess doesn't bother me but it has always caused friction in our marriage.  Before you jump to the conclusion that he is an OCD clean freak, just know that he is not. My messiness extends beyond the normal "mess." Our house is never impeccably clean, and my HoH doesn't expect it to be and neither do I.  The messiness he is referring to in the rules is just the general respectfulness to pick up after myself, i.e. don't leave clothes laying around the bathroom or room, don't let dishes pile up on my night table, etc.

This morning, after showering, I left a wet towel on HoH's side of the bed. I don't remember leaving it there, but clearly I did.  When we were leaving to go to breakfast, I happened to be waiting in the car when HoH came out to get me.  He held my hand, and told me he wanted to show me something.  He brought me to the bedroom, and showed me the wet towel on his side which had now made his pillow and side of the bed wet.  He discussed the rule of not leaving messes and decided a punishment was in order.

The punishment he decided on was small - three spanks - because he could tell that I had attempted to not leave a mess. I had put my clothes away and folded the other towel.  I was secretly relieved that it would be only three.  We went into the basement, and damn he hit hard.  Then we went to Walgreens where he bought a flat brush for next time while we wait for the paddle we ordered to come in.

Yes, we ordered a paddle.  A picture of it is below.  This paddle is supposed to be easy to handle. It is 1/2 inch thick and made of polycarbonate.  It is 12 inches long, and 2 1/4 inches wide.  It is strong, flexible, and will not crack. The 6 inch handle is no-slip, it is semi-clear in color, and lastly, all the edges are smooth.  We bought it from CANE-IAC online. They have an amazing selection.