A Little Sugar

It has been a while since we had sex - like a whole week.  The combo of exhaustion and the pregnancy shocker did it.  For us, that is a long time. We usually have sex daily or almost daily, and if not that, then as least some kind of fooling around.  As sometimes happens with me, if we have any kind of break, it becomes hard for me to get into that initial re-start of sex. We call is getting Over the Hump. 

Last night we had Over the Hump sex. It was eh.  In the middle of Over the Hump sex, I do have a little bit of a hard time becoming aroused, and it bothers me.  No matter what HoH does, I just cannot get my head in the game that first time.  And as always, I am always a little fearful that we won't somehow get back to the good stuff.  It is just an unrealistic fear, but...

This morning, after a little sugar that involved "as rough as one is comfortable while remembering that one partner is pregnant," I would say that the fear is gone and we are definitely over and past the hump.

There Is No Safe Zone

Thanks to all of you who have commented and emailed me.  I appreciate all of your advice and concern.  You are all so kind and wise, and I truly have felt less alone by your reaching out.

I am getting ready to turn 45 in a couple of months.  By age 43, one's chance of becoming pregnant is under 2%.  Well, I must be a fertile myrtle.  I am -6 days past due for my period, and when I took a pregnancy test the other day at work, that little blue plus sign appeared almost immediately. I am likely 4 weeks and 6 days pregnant.

No one in my "real" world knows. With a miscarriage rate of 53% for my age group, and how early it is at the moment, I will not be disclosing to anyone until this is viable. Still, it is a huge relief to be able to tell someone other than my husband. You, dear readers, are the only ones who know.

This may help explain some of my overwhelmed feelings.  I am sure hormonal stuff is already occurring.  Couple that with my financial stress, a death in the family, and generally feeling a bit overwhelmed, and the perfect storm has been created.

I am also super shocked - I didn't think I could get pregnant. I have been showing a few signs of beginning the change, and so I really thought I was in the safe zone.  Two years ago, I would have been jumping up and down about this. Right now, I feel indifferent. Maybe because the last pregnancy I had at 41 ended in miscarriage and it was traumatic for me...or maybe because I don't feel financially secure right now...maybe because HoH and I have been through a lot since January, and I am just starting to feel secure in that "part" being over...or some combination of them all.

I don't know what this will mean for DD.  I have been reading up, and it looks like spankings are not recommended when pregnant. I don't know where this leaves me.  Other punishments don't seem to be as meaningful, and quite frankly, a good stress spanking right now would be invaluable. 

HoH has (suddenly) got it, and has really been there for me.  Tender, which is what I need. I don't know that I am reinforcing this tenderness because I am a big ball of stress (and I am eating non-stop to not be nauseated) but I love and appreciate all the ways he is trying to lessen my stress, and respond to my cray-cray-ness.  I haven't told him this in so many words, but I plan to today. To let him know how much his tenderness and attention means to me, and really does help me.