Paddling in the Tears

Today was a tiny breakthrough.  For the first time ever, I cried during a spanking.

The day started off great, but at one point, we disagreed about something involving one of our children, and the ensuing debate (he called it an argument) got a little heated. He left the room in a huff after raising his voice at me.

Once he calmed down, we descended to the basement to the Spank Room.  The paddle came out. The lecture consisted of him retelling how it came that he yelled, his apology for raising his voice, his view that I was not listening but rather over-talking him, and that since this was not going to be a part of our relationship, a spanking must happen.

The pants went down.

The underwear went down.

My belly went down so that I was leaning over a storage bench.

Once in position, the warm up started. The warm up HURT. Once the real spanking started, it was a little unbearable. I started sobbing. Begging. Turning.  Crying some more. Begging some more. Turning some more.  When it was all said and done, I got a few extras for not staying still.

When I got up, and he brought me to his arms, I continued crying. I couldn't stop. A "release" (for lack of a better word) occurred, and the tears flowed. First time ever during a spanking.

It was cleansing.

Double Trouble or The Hand and The Belt

Yes, it has happened - spanked twice in one day.

This afternoon, when the family arrived home, I was just plain off.  I couldn't stop repetitive thoughts about past marital and life failures, and I was bubbling with anger and sadness.  I started right away on HoH, chastising him and being critical.  I couldn't shake it. I wanted him to feel the same pain I was feeling. I pushed and pushed until he made the decision.  In the room. Door shut. TV turned up loud. Pants down. Undies on. The Hand. I have no idea how many I got, but I do know that it hurt after only something like 4 or 5 of them. I would guess I got around 20 solid, hard spanks.

It helped, a little.

Fast forward a few hours, after spending time at the park with our friends and one large gin drink later. Mouthy. Yes, that is probably the right word. HoH and I were just not connected.  After arguing about dinner, and who would make it, and various other thing, I thought he was getting up to make dinner. Instead he shut the door, took off his belt, and again, it was punishment time.  Over the underwear. Belt. 15 solid hits. OUCH! My bottom is bright red. It stings really badly.

This was the break through spank. I am feeling much better. I feel like some of that darkness was let go.  The sting is reminding me that I am cared for. That it matters when we aren't connected.  That I should and can be the better person that I want to be. That it is time to get back into submissive mode, where things are easier.

An Alternative Due to Bruising

The spanking from Friday left my bottom bruised.  Three spots - two on my cheeks (just bluish/purple and half dollar sized) and one where my leg and bottom meet (big, ugly and red/purple). It seems incredible that I would be bruised. Don't get me wrong - the spanking hurt like hell. However, it didn't seem to be anything intolerable, and so the bruising was a complete shocker for both of us.

I need to go to the OBGYN but I am going to have to delay that visit.

So, last night when we were supposed to be cooking together (him cooking, me calling out ingredients and directions), I was a little short. He sent me away so he could cook dinner alone.  I came back some time later to check on things, and was told I had to write 50 sentences that say "My mouth is for eating and sucking cock, not being disrespectful."

Wow. Okay.

I actually did it, and it took a while (that is a long sentence to write!) but I believe a few things are in the works. One, that damn chat he went to.  Surely he got this idea from them!  Two, the bruising. I bet he is hesitant to spank when I am already bruised and needing to go to the OBGYN. Regardless, I do think a spanking would have been more effective.

Spanked!

Wow.  How many days has it been? How mouthy have I been? How many more ways could I unconsciously ASK him to re-take control? It happened. It was deserved, for sure. As always, it hurt like hell!

After a full day yesterday of mouthing off, and waiting in the room for my spanking, my HoH had moved on to another project - fixing the bed downstairs.  It was almost time to pick the kids up from school, and each was having a friend to spend the night.  I knew the formula:  friends over = no spanking. After a couple of reminders, I was furious. With something like 5 minutes before we were to leave, I screamed down the stairs a culmination of all of my frustration: "Fine! If you aren't going to do DD then you aren't getting any f'ing kink in the bedroom!"

[Stomps loudly to the bedroom.]

Up the stairs he came, clear whack paddle in hand, and he grabbed my legs, twisted me to the side so that my bottom was in a position to be smacked, and then he gave a stern and angry lecture.  He then allowed me to change positions to bending over the bed, and the whacking started.  After something like 15 or so whacks that hurt, he announced that the warm up swats were over, and the real spanking would start.

WHAT?!?!

After ten, I did the unthinkable - I reached back.  He told me to put my hands back down, and that I just got 3 more added to the end. I put my hands down, took a deep breath, and repeated over and over in my head "Relax and accept. Relax and accept. Relax and accept."  Pretty soon, he was at 25, and then I got the last three "extra" swats.

Um, OUCH!

We hugged a long time afterwards, and I felt so much better to be over this hateful mouthy hump...to have received the spanking...to have him take the control back.  Then he disclosed that he learned in the DD Chat that he was spanking too hard, and that is why he could only do 10 or so swats, and why it didn't hurt for very long afterwards.  He learned that the whacks should be a bit lighter, and to go for more.  They were right. My bottom was sore ALL NIGHT!

It feels good to feel loved. Cared for. Worth the effort. Back to being a better person. I hated my spanking, but I loved my spanking. I hope he will be swift in the future. Clearly I need it.

Over the Knee

We were supposed to be packing and preparing to go out of town. However, as happens a lot with me lately, I started to obsessively think about past problems.  Couple that with being on my period, and feeling cranky...and you have an ugly mess.  I pretty much unleashed a hurricane of anger, past hurt, current hurt, insecurities, and whatever else you can think of - I am sure it was in the mix.  None of this is without warrant, and it was triggered by something insensitive that my HoH said, but it spiraled into tears, anger, and a pain that felt unbearable.  When it was all said and done, HoH took me downstairs for a spanking. He said mainly it was for my tone and to try to lessen this huge gap between us. I laid over him and asked if he could use his hand.

Why would I do that?  Something about the intimacy of being across his lap...of being so close...of him using his hand...seemed to feel right to me.  He decided that he would be fine with that.  He offered 10 on one cheek or 15 on alternating cheeks, no warm up.  I chose alternating cheeks. He lifted my skirt, pulled my panties down, and began.  It stung.  I tried my hardest to relax and accept the punishment, but the last two caused me to rear up (but not get out of position). Then we were done. He held me a bit and then we were significantly passed where we had been. Since we were behind in getting ready, we continued packing, and were on our way.

This is one of those things, though, as I reflect, that I struggle with.   This idea or actual practice of being submissive outside of the bedroom.  Of being respectful 100% of the time, especially when he is making a mistake, or my feelings are being provoked, or when I am not feeling enamored with him.  Is it all willpower? How does one get into the groove when not feeling in the groove at that moment?  How is it possible to control one's emotions when one is experiencing them intensely?

The advice I have gotten so far has to do with actions - to do what I think will please him, and then continue to do that, taking pleasure in those times that I realize I am making him happy by doing that. I feel like I am working toward trying to follow the rules, but maybe am not being proactive in trying to do what he might find pleasurable or what might make him happy. I will certainly try to be more conscious of that.

 

Premenstrual Mouthiness

I am approximately two days out from starting my period, and my premenstrual syndrome has kicked into full gear.  Light headache, irritability, mood swings...

This morning, on the way to take our daughters to school, my patience was at zero, and I barked at my HoH several times. I was also verbally critical of him in front of my daughters (about something he was discussing with our oldest daughter).

After my doctor's appointment to which he accompanied me, we went to lunch. We briefly discussed at lunch before he dropped me at work.  I thought that was it. It wasn't.  Once home from work, he stated I still needed to get my spanking.

What?!

"Yes," he said.  In some ways, consistency sucks.

Downstairs we went.  He did the lecture part, discussing what I had done, and why it needs to be corrected. He told me I would have warm up spanks and then 8 licks.  Down went the jeans.  Down went the underwear. Bare butt!

Before the spankings, he let me know that he expects me to take this spanking without turning around, stopping him, blocking with my hands. He said I would receive extra whacks if that occurs. Then he began.

Warm up - seemed like around 20 lighter smacks in groups of 5, alternating cheeks.  Then a brief pause to tell me that NOW the licks would begin (what?! none of those counted?!).

PAINFUL. As they should be, but still.

The dogs went wild, barking at the whacks, acting crazy.  We had to shush them for a few minutes before he could hug me. That sucked. We had to walk across the room to the couch, and then his phone started ringing. And my butt hurt enough that I needed to lie on my side on the couch.

This is the first spanking that still hurts. He said afterwards that he felt he had been spanking incorrectly. It is clear to me that he had been as well. I think he has the warm up strength and the regular strength of the paddling down, and knows to smack one or two past what he believes I think I can handle.  Can I YAY and OH CRAP at the same time?!?

*Whack*

Well, it was bound to happen. I left a huge mess when I left for work yesterday. Technically, I did have time to clean up. However, I procrastinated getting out of bed, and played a bit on the computer, and then...lost track of time. Next thing I knew, I had 10 minutes to get out of the door, and I still had to blow dry the hair, get dressed, brush teeth, etc.

When I arrived home from work, HoH showed me the mess that extended all over the room. I told him I intended to clean it up after work. That didn't fly. He said there would be a punishment, and it would happen when he got back from his Wednesday night class. I didn't concern myself with it too much. I cleaned up the room, made the bed, picked up my various messes, and went about the evening.

HoH returned from class with a package in his hand.  The New Paddle had arrived, and it was going to be broken in with me. Oh my!  HoH pulled my outfit up, my undies and pantyhose down, and I assumed the position for my 8 licks. Doesn't sound like much, I know.  Still, I was not overly concerned until...

*WHACK*

That first whack was ridiculous. I felt right then and there that I would not be able to tolerate another one. The pain was worse than I could ever expect. I instantly and instinctively went into begging mode, turned around, pleaded that it was too hard, refused to turn back around, etc. HoH calmed me down a bit, and then continued with the remaining 7.  Absolutely the most painful paddling to date.

I will *not* be leaving any messes any time soon. That's for sure!

Cracks and Belts

There is a minor detail that I left out of my back story. More like major detail. And one I don't care to reveal at this time. I can tell you that it is a painful part of our marriage, and I am still trying to overcome the pain associated with it.  Often times, I feel as if I am cracked, and will never feel repaired. I second guess the decision to give this marriage another chance. I call these my Sad Days.

Yesterday was a Sad Day. HoH and I fought, processed, discussed, argued, and it all led to hurt feelings, moments of hopelessness, and bad juju.  We carried on this way all the way until bedtime. I knew we did not want to go to bed hurt and feeling this way.  I suggested that he find a way to get a lecture out of this, spank me, and then we could have sweet sex (instead of our usual rough -n- dirty stuff).  I knew I was going to have trouble getting over-the-hump to feel close before bed. HoH didn't really want to spank me because of all the hurt I was feeling. I asked him to find a way.

He gave me a lecture about creating distance between us, and said he was going to spank me because I had widened that gap. He decided upon 8 licks with a belt. This was a first time for the belt.  I bent over the bed, and he pulled down my pants and underwear.  Oh sweet sting!

Afterwards, we tried our hardest to have nice, sweet lovemaking...but it only degraded into slut talk and rough sex. No complaints here.

Making Mistakes

Yesterday was a strange day. HoH and I got along great, but there were times that I felt tired and a bit crabby.  As such, I was snappier than I needed to be in my conversations.  HoH let it slide. We talked later that night about consistency, and about not letting things slide.  We discussed his struggles - mainly not wanting to seem like an asshole or too strict - and we talked about my struggles - mainly that when I am not called on it, I tend to continue being snippy.  Our communication in just these few days has been amazing, and we both felt pretty happy with how the last few days have gone. 

As you will see from the Rules page, one rule has to be with not being messy. I leave messes wherever I go. I always have. My HoH is constantly picking up after me. The mess doesn't bother me but it has always caused friction in our marriage.  Before you jump to the conclusion that he is an OCD clean freak, just know that he is not. My messiness extends beyond the normal "mess." Our house is never impeccably clean, and my HoH doesn't expect it to be and neither do I.  The messiness he is referring to in the rules is just the general respectfulness to pick up after myself, i.e. don't leave clothes laying around the bathroom or room, don't let dishes pile up on my night table, etc.

This morning, after showering, I left a wet towel on HoH's side of the bed. I don't remember leaving it there, but clearly I did.  When we were leaving to go to breakfast, I happened to be waiting in the car when HoH came out to get me.  He held my hand, and told me he wanted to show me something.  He brought me to the bedroom, and showed me the wet towel on his side which had now made his pillow and side of the bed wet.  He discussed the rule of not leaving messes and decided a punishment was in order.

The punishment he decided on was small - three spanks - because he could tell that I had attempted to not leave a mess. I had put my clothes away and folded the other towel.  I was secretly relieved that it would be only three.  We went into the basement, and damn he hit hard.  Then we went to Walgreens where he bought a flat brush for next time while we wait for the paddle we ordered to come in.

Yes, we ordered a paddle.  A picture of it is below.  This paddle is supposed to be easy to handle. It is 1/2 inch thick and made of polycarbonate.  It is 12 inches long, and 2 1/4 inches wide.  It is strong, flexible, and will not crack. The 6 inch handle is no-slip, it is semi-clear in color, and lastly, all the edges are smooth.  We bought it from CANE-IAC online. They have an amazing selection.

My First Spanking

The first spanking took place yesterday, our first day of our DD journey. As you will see from the Punishments page, I used disrespectful language toward my husband in front of my daughter.  About three to five minutes after doing that, my HoH (head of household/husband) took my hand and walked me down to the basement for privacy.  He explained to me what I did, and why it is detrimental not only to our relationship, but to our daughter as well.  I agreed. I knew it was wrong.

Before this DD journey, it would have just been let go.  I was free to generously speak disrespectfully to my husband, and it either led to a big fight or him feeling resentful.  I never had to correct my behavior or even make amends for that matter.  This would happen several times a day as we navigated through life.  Me making comments; husband reacting with anger that turned to resentment.

Yesterday, though, he was calm. He did not react. He spoke to me about it gently. He said I was getting a spanking.  With this being the first spanking and us not having put it into practice just yet, he decided I would get five spanks, under my skirt, over my underwear, using his hand while I bent forward over a chest.

It HURT.

He spanked me extremely hard. At four I felt like crying. I was so thankful I was only getting five of these.  I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't the flood of emotions that surfaced.  After, he hugged me, held me tight...and it felt so loving and kind to me.

Overall, even though it hurt, and even though I am afraid to get another spanking (very different from the Bedroom Play spankings), I was so proud of my HoH for remaining calm...proud of myself for being able to apologize for my poor behavior...and proud of both of us for following through with the punishment.