A Little Sugar

It has been a while since we had sex - like a whole week.  The combo of exhaustion and the pregnancy shocker did it.  For us, that is a long time. We usually have sex daily or almost daily, and if not that, then as least some kind of fooling around.  As sometimes happens with me, if we have any kind of break, it becomes hard for me to get into that initial re-start of sex. We call is getting Over the Hump. 

Last night we had Over the Hump sex. It was eh.  In the middle of Over the Hump sex, I do have a little bit of a hard time becoming aroused, and it bothers me.  No matter what HoH does, I just cannot get my head in the game that first time.  And as always, I am always a little fearful that we won't somehow get back to the good stuff.  It is just an unrealistic fear, but...

This morning, after a little sugar that involved "as rough as one is comfortable while remembering that one partner is pregnant," I would say that the fear is gone and we are definitely over and past the hump.

There Is No Safe Zone

Thanks to all of you who have commented and emailed me.  I appreciate all of your advice and concern.  You are all so kind and wise, and I truly have felt less alone by your reaching out.

I am getting ready to turn 45 in a couple of months.  By age 43, one's chance of becoming pregnant is under 2%.  Well, I must be a fertile myrtle.  I am -6 days past due for my period, and when I took a pregnancy test the other day at work, that little blue plus sign appeared almost immediately. I am likely 4 weeks and 6 days pregnant.

No one in my "real" world knows. With a miscarriage rate of 53% for my age group, and how early it is at the moment, I will not be disclosing to anyone until this is viable. Still, it is a huge relief to be able to tell someone other than my husband. You, dear readers, are the only ones who know.

This may help explain some of my overwhelmed feelings.  I am sure hormonal stuff is already occurring.  Couple that with my financial stress, a death in the family, and generally feeling a bit overwhelmed, and the perfect storm has been created.

I am also super shocked - I didn't think I could get pregnant. I have been showing a few signs of beginning the change, and so I really thought I was in the safe zone.  Two years ago, I would have been jumping up and down about this. Right now, I feel indifferent. Maybe because the last pregnancy I had at 41 ended in miscarriage and it was traumatic for me...or maybe because I don't feel financially secure right now...maybe because HoH and I have been through a lot since January, and I am just starting to feel secure in that "part" being over...or some combination of them all.

I don't know what this will mean for DD.  I have been reading up, and it looks like spankings are not recommended when pregnant. I don't know where this leaves me.  Other punishments don't seem to be as meaningful, and quite frankly, a good stress spanking right now would be invaluable. 

HoH has (suddenly) got it, and has really been there for me.  Tender, which is what I need. I don't know that I am reinforcing this tenderness because I am a big ball of stress (and I am eating non-stop to not be nauseated) but I love and appreciate all the ways he is trying to lessen my stress, and respond to my cray-cray-ness.  I haven't told him this in so many words, but I plan to today. To let him know how much his tenderness and attention means to me, and really does help me.

Stress-funk

I haven't blogged in a while. I have been in a stress-funk that I cannot seem to climb out of.  I feel paralyzed by it, and completely unmotivated.  Most of the stress is financial...some of it about the future...some of it about my health...and some of it has to do with daily life overwhelming me.  Sometimes I feel as if I have fallen into a deep hole, and there is no climbing out.  Sometimes I just feel like I am in a soft, warm bed, and there is no reason to ever move or get up. 

During this time of stress-funk, HoH has not done what I needed to help support me. Given that I don't really know exactly what will make me feel supported does not change that his ways to try to cope with my stress-funk have actually made it worse.  When I need to be reassured and held, he gives space.  When I need space, he makes demands.  When I need some time to take my mind off of it, he seems not to notice.  When I am upset, he doesn't comfort in the traditional sense of the word.  When I express I don't feel supported, he gets defensive because he says he is trying and everything he tries is "wrong."  There may be no right way, but everything seems to make my hole deeper...my bed more comfortable...which really means that it makes me want to disconnect from the world even more.

I am not one who is prone to things like instability, depression, neediness, or the like. I feel like I am trying to stay above water in certain areas, and although not failing, at least struggling.  This struggle seems like fear trying to gulp me up.

I don't mean to sound dramatic, and I am certainly not so low that I need intervention.  I am just in this spot that I am unfamiliar with and not quite certain how to kick its ass.

Maintenance Spanking

You may not know, but I have been coughing for about 2 months now, and have been experiencing extreme exhaustion for a few months. I have had in-depth blood work done and other tests for the exhaustion, but the coughing is fairly new. Today I had to use the inhaler a few times to be able to catch all of my breath.  (Not to worry! Doctor appointment on Tuesday for the cough!)

This did not stop HoH from directing me to stand up, pull my pants down, and lean over the bed.  I protested the whole time. "What are you doing?  I don't feel well!"  He calmly explained that I was getting a maintenance spanking, and to do what he says.

Hand on the bare bottom. Ouch!

He didn't do a lot of them, but they were all in the same spot on the same cheek. Outside the bedroom door, the dogs were going ballistic, trying to get in the room (at the sound of the smacks). They ended up turning on each other so the maintenance stopped a little early.

Well, friends...it instantly made me aroused. Out of nowhere, I wanted HoH's manhood in my hand, or my mouth, or inside of me.  I wanted the crop out, and I wanted to feel its sting on my nipples. I started having great fantasies that involved me looking hot (not with my hair sticking out and pale like I look at this scary moment!). Yes, that is all it took, a maintenance spank - to put me in the mood, and in submissive mode.

Easy Street

If only it were so  easy...five lessons, and suddenly it would all fall into place. The lack of resistance. The enthusiastic fulfillment of his needs. The "Yes, dear" rolling off the tongue, coupled with "Can I grab you a beer? Scotch on  the rocks? A little cock-sucking?"  If only five little lessons could do that.

I wonder what the five lessons are.  Any ideas?

Spanked on Facebook

Yes, I am now on Facebook.

Why?  I want to socialize with others in this lifestyle.  FetLife is NOT for me.  Experience Project - wow. If I get one more unsolicited penis picture sent to me, I might commit acts of violence.  I love my Thursday and Sunday chat rooms that I found (*waves to all my new friends*) but I cannot always join. It really depends on what is happening with the family life, homework, and other mommy and work duties.  I love-love-love this online blog community (*waves to all my new blogging friends*) and it makes my day when someone comments here, so I thought maybe I would expand a little bit and try FB, too.

If you are brave under your real name or if you have a pseudo-identity on FB, please FRIEND me by clicking:  Perfectly Punished (TheWife) Facebook Page

Paddling in the Tears

Today was a tiny breakthrough.  For the first time ever, I cried during a spanking.

The day started off great, but at one point, we disagreed about something involving one of our children, and the ensuing debate (he called it an argument) got a little heated. He left the room in a huff after raising his voice at me.

Once he calmed down, we descended to the basement to the Spank Room.  The paddle came out. The lecture consisted of him retelling how it came that he yelled, his apology for raising his voice, his view that I was not listening but rather over-talking him, and that since this was not going to be a part of our relationship, a spanking must happen.

The pants went down.

The underwear went down.

My belly went down so that I was leaning over a storage bench.

Once in position, the warm up started. The warm up HURT. Once the real spanking started, it was a little unbearable. I started sobbing. Begging. Turning.  Crying some more. Begging some more. Turning some more.  When it was all said and done, I got a few extras for not staying still.

When I got up, and he brought me to his arms, I continued crying. I couldn't stop. A "release" (for lack of a better word) occurred, and the tears flowed. First time ever during a spanking.

It was cleansing.

The ON in Connection

Sex alone can be a good connector when a couple is feeling disconnected.  Spanking can also be a good connector when a couple is feeling disconnected.  But the Spank-Sex combo...well, that, my dear friends, is the *real* connector!

Coming off the two-spank day, and adding a little hot sex into the mix, really does the job. It makes me want to perform acts of submission. It makes me want to go new places with it, even though I am hesitant to try something new in the submission department.

And it makes me have an insatiable sexual appetite. I just want it, or really, want my own pleasure-play where he is involved in making it happen.  For that slice of time, I cannot get enough, and it cannot be dirty enough, and it cannot be rough enough..I just want hot, dirty, rough, submissive sex.

There. I wrote it. Back in my turtle shell.

Double Trouble or The Hand and The Belt

Yes, it has happened - spanked twice in one day.

This afternoon, when the family arrived home, I was just plain off.  I couldn't stop repetitive thoughts about past marital and life failures, and I was bubbling with anger and sadness.  I started right away on HoH, chastising him and being critical.  I couldn't shake it. I wanted him to feel the same pain I was feeling. I pushed and pushed until he made the decision.  In the room. Door shut. TV turned up loud. Pants down. Undies on. The Hand. I have no idea how many I got, but I do know that it hurt after only something like 4 or 5 of them. I would guess I got around 20 solid, hard spanks.

It helped, a little.

Fast forward a few hours, after spending time at the park with our friends and one large gin drink later. Mouthy. Yes, that is probably the right word. HoH and I were just not connected.  After arguing about dinner, and who would make it, and various other thing, I thought he was getting up to make dinner. Instead he shut the door, took off his belt, and again, it was punishment time.  Over the underwear. Belt. 15 solid hits. OUCH! My bottom is bright red. It stings really badly.

This was the break through spank. I am feeling much better. I feel like some of that darkness was let go.  The sting is reminding me that I am cared for. That it matters when we aren't connected.  That I should and can be the better person that I want to be. That it is time to get back into submissive mode, where things are easier.

Spankarequest

I want to make a spankarequest.  You know, when one says somehow - I am officially requesting a spanking, and one like you mean it, and one you will follow through with, and one that lets me know that you will be back in the game full time, and one that lets me know more are to follow with one little step out of line.

You know, THAT kind of spankarequest.

The kind that equals red stingy bottom. The kind that equals an almost reach back.  The kind that equals "You know you are in charge" and "I know I am not." That kind that I don't have to dictate but that you automatically get how much, how hard, and how best to deliver it.

That kind of spankarequest.

The Better-Late-Than-Never Spanking

The hard thing about DD for us is that we are coming off a rocky time in our marriage, and things like TRUST and LEADERSHIP are hard for me to always grant to my HoH.  Recently he made a few bad decisions, and quite frankly, I felt that I should be the HoH.  How can he be the one I am supposed to trust, give my control to, and show respect/honor to?  In light of these poor decisions HoH made, I felt that DD needed to be suspended.  I mean, really, at the end of the day, how can I be submissive to someone who would be willing to risk the trust of his family with poor decisions.  I also felt betrayed, hurt, upset, angry, sad, and hopeless.  This lasted for days.

We have debated, fought, argued...he has admitted where he was wrong, apologized, and promised to do better/improve.  I have struggled with what I want to do. It isn't always so cut and dry, this DD, especially when one has had a 22 year marriage, the last few years of which have been (understatement) complicated.

Today, I decided that I would try to move past this latest hiccup.  He has been dying to spank me for reconnection reasons.  He got to do that today. On the bed. Over clothes, then over underwear, then bare butt. By hand. I won't lie - I have missed it. The sweet sting was a welcome feeling, helping me to move forward.

We are back.

An Alternative Due to Bruising

The spanking from Friday left my bottom bruised.  Three spots - two on my cheeks (just bluish/purple and half dollar sized) and one where my leg and bottom meet (big, ugly and red/purple). It seems incredible that I would be bruised. Don't get me wrong - the spanking hurt like hell. However, it didn't seem to be anything intolerable, and so the bruising was a complete shocker for both of us.

I need to go to the OBGYN but I am going to have to delay that visit.

So, last night when we were supposed to be cooking together (him cooking, me calling out ingredients and directions), I was a little short. He sent me away so he could cook dinner alone.  I came back some time later to check on things, and was told I had to write 50 sentences that say "My mouth is for eating and sucking cock, not being disrespectful."

Wow. Okay.

I actually did it, and it took a while (that is a long sentence to write!) but I believe a few things are in the works. One, that damn chat he went to.  Surely he got this idea from them!  Two, the bruising. I bet he is hesitant to spank when I am already bruised and needing to go to the OBGYN. Regardless, I do think a spanking would have been more effective.

Spanked!

Wow.  How many days has it been? How mouthy have I been? How many more ways could I unconsciously ASK him to re-take control? It happened. It was deserved, for sure. As always, it hurt like hell!

After a full day yesterday of mouthing off, and waiting in the room for my spanking, my HoH had moved on to another project - fixing the bed downstairs.  It was almost time to pick the kids up from school, and each was having a friend to spend the night.  I knew the formula:  friends over = no spanking. After a couple of reminders, I was furious. With something like 5 minutes before we were to leave, I screamed down the stairs a culmination of all of my frustration: "Fine! If you aren't going to do DD then you aren't getting any f'ing kink in the bedroom!"

[Stomps loudly to the bedroom.]

Up the stairs he came, clear whack paddle in hand, and he grabbed my legs, twisted me to the side so that my bottom was in a position to be smacked, and then he gave a stern and angry lecture.  He then allowed me to change positions to bending over the bed, and the whacking started.  After something like 15 or so whacks that hurt, he announced that the warm up swats were over, and the real spanking would start.

WHAT?!?!

After ten, I did the unthinkable - I reached back.  He told me to put my hands back down, and that I just got 3 more added to the end. I put my hands down, took a deep breath, and repeated over and over in my head "Relax and accept. Relax and accept. Relax and accept."  Pretty soon, he was at 25, and then I got the last three "extra" swats.

Um, OUCH!

We hugged a long time afterwards, and I felt so much better to be over this hateful mouthy hump...to have received the spanking...to have him take the control back.  Then he disclosed that he learned in the DD Chat that he was spanking too hard, and that is why he could only do 10 or so swats, and why it didn't hurt for very long afterwards.  He learned that the whacks should be a bit lighter, and to go for more.  They were right. My bottom was sore ALL NIGHT!

It feels good to feel loved. Cared for. Worth the effort. Back to being a better person. I hated my spanking, but I loved my spanking. I hope he will be swift in the future. Clearly I need it.

Phat Chat

I stumbled upon two chat opportunities for HoHs...one is on Sunday nights and one is on Thursday nights. Last night, HoH had the opportunity to join in on a chat with other HoHs, compare notes, ask questions, etc.  For this particular chat, wives/partners were not allowed!  Mainly it was comprised of those who practice either Domestic Discipline or Taken in Hand.  My HoH said that there are some harsh punishers in the group. Yikes!

On to other news, HoH and I have been fighting all day as we work on our daughter's room. Almost got a spanking (in position and everything) but I think he didn't do it because he was angry.  I believe I will be getting something a little later.  If so, I will post about it. *sigh* I don't know if a spanking right now is a good or a bad thing, considering I am having submission issues.  Maybe it will fix things. Maybe it will make me resentful.  At this point, it could go either way.

If you have some helpful advice, please share in the comments. I need help!

Outta the Groove

It only took being away for the weekend for all the wonderful submissive progress I have made to sort of disappear.  I have been sick - exhausted, sore throat, nauseated - and my mouth has been full of accusations, anger, snide remarks, and not an ounce of submissiveness.

HoH has been confused about what to do.  He doesn't want to spank me while I am sick. On the other hand, I feel like he is more interested in trying to "get off" than do what I think a good HoH should do: Take care of and baby me when I am sick.

This disconnect, and the failure of the my expectation being met, has turned me into a class A bitch.  I am pretty sure my bottom needs to look like this.

Practicing Submission

Submission is not my normal state. I am a leader, and one who enjoys organizing, accomplishing, planning, and producing. I do that in the work place, in my religious life, and in my volunteer work. A lot of people rely on me, and I enjoy the benefit of self-satisfaction when I accomplish my goals. Traditionally, at home, I also had a strong voice, and exercised control over that area of my life. Therefore, submissiveness has been a challenge for me.

I do find submission in the bedroom to be much easier than out of the bedroom. In the bedroom, there is something electrifying about having to do what one is told, or be touched at will, or not being the director of the scene. I have been trying to stretch myself in that area, doing things I don't really want to do but doing so anyway because my HoH would find it pleasing.  Even typing that makes me on some level cringe, and on some level be proud at my growth in this area. Some of the things I have done to try to tap into my submissiveness in the bedroom:

Had sex in the closet with the door shut and while the light in there was off when I was trying to get ready. Usually, I would say "Not now!" but I just turned to face the shoe rack and hold on, took my panties down, and let him enter me.

He asked me to retrieve a paper he asked me to throw away (I delegated it to my daughter), he discreetly shut the door and told me to carry it in my mouth, and crawl it to the trash can. I complied.

Without him asking, I shaved my entire nether region even though I HATE HATE HATE it like that. I did it to show him that I can and will submit to his will even though he didn't specifically ask.

I told him he had my permission to do what he wanted with or to me when I was sleeping last night. This is a big step for me, to give consensual non-consent. Again, I did this to show him that his pleasure is important, that my body is his to do with what he want, and that I trust him with my body.  He touched me while I slept, came all over my bottom, then rubbed it in to my bottom and back.

I have asked a few times, is there anything I can do for you? Is there anything you want me to do? Do you want a back rub? Can I get you anything?  This is NOT my normal default mode!

I have taken the initiative to look around for kink hotels that we could stay at if we ever get any extra money, and then I showed him the various rooms and what they look like.

I started a Pinterest page with things that I think would interest him, like Rope Work photographs, spanked photographs, lingerie photographs, erotic furniture/implements photographs, etc. Soon, when it is more populated, I will share the site with all of you in case you are interested in following it.

 

Inspection Perfection

Today, I was subjected to a body inspection after my shower.

I had to kneel on an ottoman with my stomach on the bed, with my ass presented to him.  He said that this is position 1.  He checked my anal hole thoroughly, then my vagina.  He felt it for smoothness, smelled it for cleanliness, and tasted it for freshness. He spent some time licking my clit.  He felt around inside of it, too.

He then had me roll over on the bed with my legs apart but still on the ottoman.  This he said is position 2.  He proceeded to checked my toes (smack on the bottom twice for a broken toenail), my feet, legs, face, mouth, ears (smack on the bottom for them needing cleaning), and breasts.  Then he checked more thoroughly my vagina.  He looked at the outside, how close my shave was, whether or not I had razor burn, etc.  Then he starting licking my clit, fingering my backside hole, and bringing me to orgasm.

Then he stood up and shoved his big cock inside of me. He gave instructions about the next inspection as he pounded into me.  If he announces that there will be an inspection after a shower, then I am to go directly after it into the bedroom and assume position 1 until he arrives for the inspection, regardless of how long it takes him to get there.

Because we have been having sex three to four times a day for the last month or so, I am quite sore.  Today, my vagina feels raw and swollen so his thrusting hurt in that good kind of way.  Once he noticed that, he made me beg for him to hurt me.  He grabbed my hair, smacked my face, and deeply thrusted into me while expecting me to not resist and requiring me to beg him for it.

It was HOT!

Afterwards, I was so dizzy, I had to lie on the bed for 20 minutes to get back to normal.

The Fantasy of It

The fantasy of it - pulling my panties down in shame, bending over, getting my bottom smacked over and over and over again...the bright red glorious sting...

I look at spanking photographs, and I fantasize this scenario quite regularly.  It makes me crave a spanking, it makes me tingle in the nether-area, it makes me want to be touched.

And then...when the reality of the situation occurs...it is NOTHING like the fantasy.  It is painful. Real pain. In that moment, I want it to end, for it to be more like bedroom play spankings. Afterwards...back to the fantasy as I deal with the bright red glorious sting...

This is pretty much how the last two days have gone.  Yesterday, due to messes I left around the bedroom, and yet another episode of me (for some reason) not being able to get passed something in the past, I came home from work and was told that I was in for a spanking.  All the way until the actual event, I was slightly heady from the fantasy of it.

The reality of it?  Two whacks into being spanked with a wooden bathroom back scrubber, the thing broke in two!  The punishment of 15 licks continued with the thin wooden handle of the broken implement.  OUCH!  Not fun, and I had a little trouble staying in position.  After the discipline spanking, he continued with his hand for an additional 7 or 8 for stress relief.  My poor bottom!

Today, after leaving the same items out (I failed to clean up the mess that resulted in yesterday's spanking), I was told I was getting another spanking.  I actually thought, Lucky me! Woo hoo! Bring it! How soon I forget, and how I underestimated how badly it would hurt since I was just spanked yesterday.

Personally, I think the warm up should have counted as spankings.  My bottom was so sore after the warm up, that after the first whack with the clear paddle, I jumped out of position, begging for my poor bottom.  Because of that, he didn't count that whack.  Staying in position was nearly impossible.  I don't want to be restrained for spankings, but I cannot see how I can stay in position otherwise. I must be a major wimp.  Regardless, somehow I made it through the only 8 whacks, unrestrained and barely able to cope.

You would think that all of this would cure my fantasy...not really! I can't wait for all the love and pain that comes with my man keeping things in line. 

PlayTime

I came home a bit early from work yesterday. There was 1/2 hour before we had to leave to pick up the kids from school.  HoH told me to take off my clothes except my underwear, and lie on the bed. I did.  The cuffs came out, and my arms were restrained.  The gag ball was placed around my head.  He slid my panties to the side, and slowly inserted a glass dildo into me, and pulled out the riding crop.  He proceeded to smack my nipples, with occasional relief by focusing on my clit area and the sides of my thighs/bottom.

After doing that until my nipples stung, he removed the dildo and shoved his manhood deep inside of me.  Quickly (we didn't have much time) he finished off on my stomach, and rubbed his cum all into my underwear and stomach.  He unhooked my wrists, and ordered me to get dressed in my cum-soaked underwear.  We left to get the kids from school.

Fast forward to the evening...

More fun was in store. Lots of orgasms for the both of us...excellent nipple play...multiple flips of position...dirty promises and scenarios professed...and finally, sleep.

Fast forward to this morning...

He told me to get it hard. Lick-suck-stroke. And then taken hard and fast, fingered, nipples pulled...and the promise of more tonight.

I am so sore. Lord help me!

----

This is a poem I found the other day...I imagine these are HoH's words...and maybe what will be in store for me tonight. <3

I Can’t Wait

I can’t wait

to get you
where I want
you to be:
on your back
with your hands
tied & your
legs spread
eagle,
blindfolded
so I can look
at you with
reckless
abandon
& you can’t
do a damn thing
about it

I will take
what is mine

& have my way
& fuck you
till I am
spent
& you are
left wondering
what day
of the week it is
& whether or not
the wet patch
is on your side
of the bed
or mine

Poem © Copyright 2010 Jodine Derena Butler.  All Rights Reserved

Red Rover, Red Rover...

Send DOUBT on over...

This may seem hard to believe considering how wonderful our DD experience has been going, but a couple of days ago, HoH (after a long day of us fighting) decided that we were not going to do DD anymore.  Deep down, he was harboring a lot of guilt for those times that he has not made good decisions, about ongoing character deficits, or just his struggle in general with being a flawed human being, as we all are.  He was feeling something like this:  How can I punish my wife when she is a better person than me?  How can I spank her for little things when I screw up all the time, too?

Me? I was devastated.  I had a meeting that night, and I was completely distracted and upset. For the next day, I made no effort at all. I started to feel depressed.  I tried to explain to HoH what made this what I wanted.  I told him that it was special and unique to us as a couple. Something that we are bonding over.  Something that we can already see improvements in our relationship.  That it made me feel like he cared, loved me, and it gave me structure. That it made him step up in a way I have never seen him do before, and that made me proud and turned on.

Then I promptly posted the dilema on the Experience Project boards.

One person, Epaster, stated:

This is a common dilemma for us modern HOHs. What right do I have to spank her over something minor, when I also have behavior issues? The answer is that even though I am not a perfect man, she is still a woman. She needs me to protect, guide, and correct her. As a woman, she has no need or desire to correct me. Intellectually, she may desire equality, but emotionally, she needs me to be in charge.

We have learned that it is essential for our marriage, that I enforce even the minor misbehaviors with a spanking. By doing so we avoid having to deal with more major problems that can lead to distrust and hurt feelings between us.

I loved this answer! I would modify one sentence though. For me, it isn't that I have no need or desire to correct HoH. Rather, it is that I have learned through DD that the better option and the most effective way for him to change his behavior is to put the burden of self-correction on him rather than me point it out to him constantly or in the moment.

Another person, JennaR, a well respected voice in the community, stated:

That is understandable. The policy of he apologizes and your both forgive him and move on can be difficult for people to handle at first. 

However, The owner of a company makes mistakes he apologizes to his staff everyone goes on. Family is the same as a business in this way. Sir is the Head of the Household in the same way as a boss is head of his company. 

Everything he does is for the best for that company and it's staff. Yes he is human, no he is not perfect. As long as he continues to work toward bettering himself he is doing well.

Her response was so practical and the comparison made it easy to understand that one does not have to be perfect to live this way, just always continuing to be the best person he could be.

We briefly had another discussion today about DD. I think that he understands how important it is to me, and he has decided that yes, he can find a way to get over this hump. However...I am in for a spanking due to the last two days of, er, slacking!