A Little Sugar

It has been a while since we had sex - like a whole week.  The combo of exhaustion and the pregnancy shocker did it.  For us, that is a long time. We usually have sex daily or almost daily, and if not that, then as least some kind of fooling around.  As sometimes happens with me, if we have any kind of break, it becomes hard for me to get into that initial re-start of sex. We call is getting Over the Hump. 

Last night we had Over the Hump sex. It was eh.  In the middle of Over the Hump sex, I do have a little bit of a hard time becoming aroused, and it bothers me.  No matter what HoH does, I just cannot get my head in the game that first time.  And as always, I am always a little fearful that we won't somehow get back to the good stuff.  It is just an unrealistic fear, but...

This morning, after a little sugar that involved "as rough as one is comfortable while remembering that one partner is pregnant," I would say that the fear is gone and we are definitely over and past the hump.

There Is No Safe Zone

Thanks to all of you who have commented and emailed me.  I appreciate all of your advice and concern.  You are all so kind and wise, and I truly have felt less alone by your reaching out.

I am getting ready to turn 45 in a couple of months.  By age 43, one's chance of becoming pregnant is under 2%.  Well, I must be a fertile myrtle.  I am -6 days past due for my period, and when I took a pregnancy test the other day at work, that little blue plus sign appeared almost immediately. I am likely 4 weeks and 6 days pregnant.

No one in my "real" world knows. With a miscarriage rate of 53% for my age group, and how early it is at the moment, I will not be disclosing to anyone until this is viable. Still, it is a huge relief to be able to tell someone other than my husband. You, dear readers, are the only ones who know.

This may help explain some of my overwhelmed feelings.  I am sure hormonal stuff is already occurring.  Couple that with my financial stress, a death in the family, and generally feeling a bit overwhelmed, and the perfect storm has been created.

I am also super shocked - I didn't think I could get pregnant. I have been showing a few signs of beginning the change, and so I really thought I was in the safe zone.  Two years ago, I would have been jumping up and down about this. Right now, I feel indifferent. Maybe because the last pregnancy I had at 41 ended in miscarriage and it was traumatic for me...or maybe because I don't feel financially secure right now...maybe because HoH and I have been through a lot since January, and I am just starting to feel secure in that "part" being over...or some combination of them all.

I don't know what this will mean for DD.  I have been reading up, and it looks like spankings are not recommended when pregnant. I don't know where this leaves me.  Other punishments don't seem to be as meaningful, and quite frankly, a good stress spanking right now would be invaluable. 

HoH has (suddenly) got it, and has really been there for me.  Tender, which is what I need. I don't know that I am reinforcing this tenderness because I am a big ball of stress (and I am eating non-stop to not be nauseated) but I love and appreciate all the ways he is trying to lessen my stress, and respond to my cray-cray-ness.  I haven't told him this in so many words, but I plan to today. To let him know how much his tenderness and attention means to me, and really does help me.

Stress-funk

I haven't blogged in a while. I have been in a stress-funk that I cannot seem to climb out of.  I feel paralyzed by it, and completely unmotivated.  Most of the stress is financial...some of it about the future...some of it about my health...and some of it has to do with daily life overwhelming me.  Sometimes I feel as if I have fallen into a deep hole, and there is no climbing out.  Sometimes I just feel like I am in a soft, warm bed, and there is no reason to ever move or get up. 

During this time of stress-funk, HoH has not done what I needed to help support me. Given that I don't really know exactly what will make me feel supported does not change that his ways to try to cope with my stress-funk have actually made it worse.  When I need to be reassured and held, he gives space.  When I need space, he makes demands.  When I need some time to take my mind off of it, he seems not to notice.  When I am upset, he doesn't comfort in the traditional sense of the word.  When I express I don't feel supported, he gets defensive because he says he is trying and everything he tries is "wrong."  There may be no right way, but everything seems to make my hole deeper...my bed more comfortable...which really means that it makes me want to disconnect from the world even more.

I am not one who is prone to things like instability, depression, neediness, or the like. I feel like I am trying to stay above water in certain areas, and although not failing, at least struggling.  This struggle seems like fear trying to gulp me up.

I don't mean to sound dramatic, and I am certainly not so low that I need intervention.  I am just in this spot that I am unfamiliar with and not quite certain how to kick its ass.

Maintenance Spanking

You may not know, but I have been coughing for about 2 months now, and have been experiencing extreme exhaustion for a few months. I have had in-depth blood work done and other tests for the exhaustion, but the coughing is fairly new. Today I had to use the inhaler a few times to be able to catch all of my breath.  (Not to worry! Doctor appointment on Tuesday for the cough!)

This did not stop HoH from directing me to stand up, pull my pants down, and lean over the bed.  I protested the whole time. "What are you doing?  I don't feel well!"  He calmly explained that I was getting a maintenance spanking, and to do what he says.

Hand on the bare bottom. Ouch!

He didn't do a lot of them, but they were all in the same spot on the same cheek. Outside the bedroom door, the dogs were going ballistic, trying to get in the room (at the sound of the smacks). They ended up turning on each other so the maintenance stopped a little early.

Well, friends...it instantly made me aroused. Out of nowhere, I wanted HoH's manhood in my hand, or my mouth, or inside of me.  I wanted the crop out, and I wanted to feel its sting on my nipples. I started having great fantasies that involved me looking hot (not with my hair sticking out and pale like I look at this scary moment!). Yes, that is all it took, a maintenance spank - to put me in the mood, and in submissive mode.

Easy Street

If only it were so  easy...five lessons, and suddenly it would all fall into place. The lack of resistance. The enthusiastic fulfillment of his needs. The "Yes, dear" rolling off the tongue, coupled with "Can I grab you a beer? Scotch on  the rocks? A little cock-sucking?"  If only five little lessons could do that.

I wonder what the five lessons are.  Any ideas?

Spanked on Facebook

Yes, I am now on Facebook.

Why?  I want to socialize with others in this lifestyle.  FetLife is NOT for me.  Experience Project - wow. If I get one more unsolicited penis picture sent to me, I might commit acts of violence.  I love my Thursday and Sunday chat rooms that I found (*waves to all my new friends*) but I cannot always join. It really depends on what is happening with the family life, homework, and other mommy and work duties.  I love-love-love this online blog community (*waves to all my new blogging friends*) and it makes my day when someone comments here, so I thought maybe I would expand a little bit and try FB, too.

If you are brave under your real name or if you have a pseudo-identity on FB, please FRIEND me by clicking:  Perfectly Punished (TheWife) Facebook Page

Paddling in the Tears

Today was a tiny breakthrough.  For the first time ever, I cried during a spanking.

The day started off great, but at one point, we disagreed about something involving one of our children, and the ensuing debate (he called it an argument) got a little heated. He left the room in a huff after raising his voice at me.

Once he calmed down, we descended to the basement to the Spank Room.  The paddle came out. The lecture consisted of him retelling how it came that he yelled, his apology for raising his voice, his view that I was not listening but rather over-talking him, and that since this was not going to be a part of our relationship, a spanking must happen.

The pants went down.

The underwear went down.

My belly went down so that I was leaning over a storage bench.

Once in position, the warm up started. The warm up HURT. Once the real spanking started, it was a little unbearable. I started sobbing. Begging. Turning.  Crying some more. Begging some more. Turning some more.  When it was all said and done, I got a few extras for not staying still.

When I got up, and he brought me to his arms, I continued crying. I couldn't stop. A "release" (for lack of a better word) occurred, and the tears flowed. First time ever during a spanking.

It was cleansing.