Paddling in the Tears

Today was a tiny breakthrough.  For the first time ever, I cried during a spanking.

The day started off great, but at one point, we disagreed about something involving one of our children, and the ensuing debate (he called it an argument) got a little heated. He left the room in a huff after raising his voice at me.

Once he calmed down, we descended to the basement to the Spank Room.  The paddle came out. The lecture consisted of him retelling how it came that he yelled, his apology for raising his voice, his view that I was not listening but rather over-talking him, and that since this was not going to be a part of our relationship, a spanking must happen.

The pants went down.

The underwear went down.

My belly went down so that I was leaning over a storage bench.

Once in position, the warm up started. The warm up HURT. Once the real spanking started, it was a little unbearable. I started sobbing. Begging. Turning.  Crying some more. Begging some more. Turning some more.  When it was all said and done, I got a few extras for not staying still.

When I got up, and he brought me to his arms, I continued crying. I couldn't stop. A "release" (for lack of a better word) occurred, and the tears flowed. First time ever during a spanking.

It was cleansing.

The ON in Connection

Sex alone can be a good connector when a couple is feeling disconnected.  Spanking can also be a good connector when a couple is feeling disconnected.  But the Spank-Sex combo...well, that, my dear friends, is the *real* connector!

Coming off the two-spank day, and adding a little hot sex into the mix, really does the job. It makes me want to perform acts of submission. It makes me want to go new places with it, even though I am hesitant to try something new in the submission department.

And it makes me have an insatiable sexual appetite. I just want it, or really, want my own pleasure-play where he is involved in making it happen.  For that slice of time, I cannot get enough, and it cannot be dirty enough, and it cannot be rough enough..I just want hot, dirty, rough, submissive sex.

There. I wrote it. Back in my turtle shell.

Double Trouble or The Hand and The Belt

Yes, it has happened - spanked twice in one day.

This afternoon, when the family arrived home, I was just plain off.  I couldn't stop repetitive thoughts about past marital and life failures, and I was bubbling with anger and sadness.  I started right away on HoH, chastising him and being critical.  I couldn't shake it. I wanted him to feel the same pain I was feeling. I pushed and pushed until he made the decision.  In the room. Door shut. TV turned up loud. Pants down. Undies on. The Hand. I have no idea how many I got, but I do know that it hurt after only something like 4 or 5 of them. I would guess I got around 20 solid, hard spanks.

It helped, a little.

Fast forward a few hours, after spending time at the park with our friends and one large gin drink later. Mouthy. Yes, that is probably the right word. HoH and I were just not connected.  After arguing about dinner, and who would make it, and various other thing, I thought he was getting up to make dinner. Instead he shut the door, took off his belt, and again, it was punishment time.  Over the underwear. Belt. 15 solid hits. OUCH! My bottom is bright red. It stings really badly.

This was the break through spank. I am feeling much better. I feel like some of that darkness was let go.  The sting is reminding me that I am cared for. That it matters when we aren't connected.  That I should and can be the better person that I want to be. That it is time to get back into submissive mode, where things are easier.

Spankarequest

I want to make a spankarequest.  You know, when one says somehow - I am officially requesting a spanking, and one like you mean it, and one you will follow through with, and one that lets me know that you will be back in the game full time, and one that lets me know more are to follow with one little step out of line.

You know, THAT kind of spankarequest.

The kind that equals red stingy bottom. The kind that equals an almost reach back.  The kind that equals "You know you are in charge" and "I know I am not." That kind that I don't have to dictate but that you automatically get how much, how hard, and how best to deliver it.

That kind of spankarequest.

The Better-Late-Than-Never Spanking

The hard thing about DD for us is that we are coming off a rocky time in our marriage, and things like TRUST and LEADERSHIP are hard for me to always grant to my HoH.  Recently he made a few bad decisions, and quite frankly, I felt that I should be the HoH.  How can he be the one I am supposed to trust, give my control to, and show respect/honor to?  In light of these poor decisions HoH made, I felt that DD needed to be suspended.  I mean, really, at the end of the day, how can I be submissive to someone who would be willing to risk the trust of his family with poor decisions.  I also felt betrayed, hurt, upset, angry, sad, and hopeless.  This lasted for days.

We have debated, fought, argued...he has admitted where he was wrong, apologized, and promised to do better/improve.  I have struggled with what I want to do. It isn't always so cut and dry, this DD, especially when one has had a 22 year marriage, the last few years of which have been (understatement) complicated.

Today, I decided that I would try to move past this latest hiccup.  He has been dying to spank me for reconnection reasons.  He got to do that today. On the bed. Over clothes, then over underwear, then bare butt. By hand. I won't lie - I have missed it. The sweet sting was a welcome feeling, helping me to move forward.

We are back.

An Alternative Due to Bruising

The spanking from Friday left my bottom bruised.  Three spots - two on my cheeks (just bluish/purple and half dollar sized) and one where my leg and bottom meet (big, ugly and red/purple). It seems incredible that I would be bruised. Don't get me wrong - the spanking hurt like hell. However, it didn't seem to be anything intolerable, and so the bruising was a complete shocker for both of us.

I need to go to the OBGYN but I am going to have to delay that visit.

So, last night when we were supposed to be cooking together (him cooking, me calling out ingredients and directions), I was a little short. He sent me away so he could cook dinner alone.  I came back some time later to check on things, and was told I had to write 50 sentences that say "My mouth is for eating and sucking cock, not being disrespectful."

Wow. Okay.

I actually did it, and it took a while (that is a long sentence to write!) but I believe a few things are in the works. One, that damn chat he went to.  Surely he got this idea from them!  Two, the bruising. I bet he is hesitant to spank when I am already bruised and needing to go to the OBGYN. Regardless, I do think a spanking would have been more effective.

Spanked!

Wow.  How many days has it been? How mouthy have I been? How many more ways could I unconsciously ASK him to re-take control? It happened. It was deserved, for sure. As always, it hurt like hell!

After a full day yesterday of mouthing off, and waiting in the room for my spanking, my HoH had moved on to another project - fixing the bed downstairs.  It was almost time to pick the kids up from school, and each was having a friend to spend the night.  I knew the formula:  friends over = no spanking. After a couple of reminders, I was furious. With something like 5 minutes before we were to leave, I screamed down the stairs a culmination of all of my frustration: "Fine! If you aren't going to do DD then you aren't getting any f'ing kink in the bedroom!"

[Stomps loudly to the bedroom.]

Up the stairs he came, clear whack paddle in hand, and he grabbed my legs, twisted me to the side so that my bottom was in a position to be smacked, and then he gave a stern and angry lecture.  He then allowed me to change positions to bending over the bed, and the whacking started.  After something like 15 or so whacks that hurt, he announced that the warm up swats were over, and the real spanking would start.

WHAT?!?!

After ten, I did the unthinkable - I reached back.  He told me to put my hands back down, and that I just got 3 more added to the end. I put my hands down, took a deep breath, and repeated over and over in my head "Relax and accept. Relax and accept. Relax and accept."  Pretty soon, he was at 25, and then I got the last three "extra" swats.

Um, OUCH!

We hugged a long time afterwards, and I felt so much better to be over this hateful mouthy hump...to have received the spanking...to have him take the control back.  Then he disclosed that he learned in the DD Chat that he was spanking too hard, and that is why he could only do 10 or so swats, and why it didn't hurt for very long afterwards.  He learned that the whacks should be a bit lighter, and to go for more.  They were right. My bottom was sore ALL NIGHT!

It feels good to feel loved. Cared for. Worth the effort. Back to being a better person. I hated my spanking, but I loved my spanking. I hope he will be swift in the future. Clearly I need it.

Phat Chat

I stumbled upon two chat opportunities for HoHs...one is on Sunday nights and one is on Thursday nights. Last night, HoH had the opportunity to join in on a chat with other HoHs, compare notes, ask questions, etc.  For this particular chat, wives/partners were not allowed!  Mainly it was comprised of those who practice either Domestic Discipline or Taken in Hand.  My HoH said that there are some harsh punishers in the group. Yikes!

On to other news, HoH and I have been fighting all day as we work on our daughter's room. Almost got a spanking (in position and everything) but I think he didn't do it because he was angry.  I believe I will be getting something a little later.  If so, I will post about it. *sigh* I don't know if a spanking right now is a good or a bad thing, considering I am having submission issues.  Maybe it will fix things. Maybe it will make me resentful.  At this point, it could go either way.

If you have some helpful advice, please share in the comments. I need help!

Outta the Groove

It only took being away for the weekend for all the wonderful submissive progress I have made to sort of disappear.  I have been sick - exhausted, sore throat, nauseated - and my mouth has been full of accusations, anger, snide remarks, and not an ounce of submissiveness.

HoH has been confused about what to do.  He doesn't want to spank me while I am sick. On the other hand, I feel like he is more interested in trying to "get off" than do what I think a good HoH should do: Take care of and baby me when I am sick.

This disconnect, and the failure of the my expectation being met, has turned me into a class A bitch.  I am pretty sure my bottom needs to look like this.

Practicing Submission

Submission is not my normal state. I am a leader, and one who enjoys organizing, accomplishing, planning, and producing. I do that in the work place, in my religious life, and in my volunteer work. A lot of people rely on me, and I enjoy the benefit of self-satisfaction when I accomplish my goals. Traditionally, at home, I also had a strong voice, and exercised control over that area of my life. Therefore, submissiveness has been a challenge for me.

I do find submission in the bedroom to be much easier than out of the bedroom. In the bedroom, there is something electrifying about having to do what one is told, or be touched at will, or not being the director of the scene. I have been trying to stretch myself in that area, doing things I don't really want to do but doing so anyway because my HoH would find it pleasing.  Even typing that makes me on some level cringe, and on some level be proud at my growth in this area. Some of the things I have done to try to tap into my submissiveness in the bedroom:

Had sex in the closet with the door shut and while the light in there was off when I was trying to get ready. Usually, I would say "Not now!" but I just turned to face the shoe rack and hold on, took my panties down, and let him enter me.

He asked me to retrieve a paper he asked me to throw away (I delegated it to my daughter), he discreetly shut the door and told me to carry it in my mouth, and crawl it to the trash can. I complied.

Without him asking, I shaved my entire nether region even though I HATE HATE HATE it like that. I did it to show him that I can and will submit to his will even though he didn't specifically ask.

I told him he had my permission to do what he wanted with or to me when I was sleeping last night. This is a big step for me, to give consensual non-consent. Again, I did this to show him that his pleasure is important, that my body is his to do with what he want, and that I trust him with my body.  He touched me while I slept, came all over my bottom, then rubbed it in to my bottom and back.

I have asked a few times, is there anything I can do for you? Is there anything you want me to do? Do you want a back rub? Can I get you anything?  This is NOT my normal default mode!

I have taken the initiative to look around for kink hotels that we could stay at if we ever get any extra money, and then I showed him the various rooms and what they look like.

I started a Pinterest page with things that I think would interest him, like Rope Work photographs, spanked photographs, lingerie photographs, erotic furniture/implements photographs, etc. Soon, when it is more populated, I will share the site with all of you in case you are interested in following it.